alexa chung eyeliner

I’ve never been much for New Year’s resolutions, but I do have a lot of bad beauty habits left to break. But just resolving not to do things isn’t particularly fun, so this year I’m trying to balance “do” resolutions with “don’t” resolutions, like “don’t sleep in makeup” and “do rub more avocados on your face.”

In that spirit, here are my 10 beauty resolutions to keep this year.

1. Don’t Pick Anything

We all know not to try to pick or pop anything that turns up on our skin. Every magazine has been drilling that information into our heads since we were 10. But it’s so hard to follow! Somewhere out there is a person who can actually see a perfectly poppable pimple show up and keep her hands at her sides. She probably also gets up early and flosses twice a day. In 2014, I intend to be that lady.


2. Sleep On Your Back

Sleeping on one’s back instead of one’s side or stomach is supposed to prevent “sleep wrinkles” that show up from when your face is smooshed on one side for 8 hours a night. I am deeply afraid of getting sleep wrinkles. This resolution is probably doomed, since I have tried to make it happen every single night since 1993 and have never been able to pull it off. I’m going to keep trying, though.


3. Get A Haircut

I actually haven’t had a haircut in 18 months. When I moved to a small town in Germany a year and a half ago, I made sure to stop every cute-haired woman I saw to ask her where she got her hair cut. Every one of them said, “Oh, my mom cuts it.” Or “Paris.” I’m a goddamn grown-up and should be able to schedule a trim on my own. At some point this year I had better figure out how to get a haircut, because I’m starting to look like an angora rabbit.


4. Stop Buying Nail Polish

My nail polish collection is getting ridiculous, and I am not a skilled nail artist. I’m pretty sure I could change my polish every week and still not have to buy a new bottle until 2015.


5. Take Advantage of Duty-Free

Rules go out the window when flying. It is acceptable to drink before 10 a.m. if one is on an airplane, and it is acceptable to buy ridiculously fancy makeup and perfume when one has the opportunity to go through Duty-Free. I’m going to schedule all my international flights through New York, because their Duty-Free shopping is amazing. During 2014 I fully intend to spend every flight drunk by noon and covered in Chanel eyeshadow and Hermès perfume. It’ll be great.


6. Try a Tracy Anderson Workout

I hate Tracy Anderson’s exercise philosophy with a deep, abiding vitriol. Unfortunately, I have a policy against hating things I have not actually tried. In 2014 I must try one of her workouts so I can continue to rail against her idea that a woman should never lift anything over 2 pounds without feeling guilty about it.


7. Take More Selfies

I am skittish about taking photographs. On several occasions I have missed opportunities to have my picture taken with famous and important people because I was worried about looking fat or messy in the picture. That was dumb and I regret it. Maybe taking a ridiculous number of selfies will help me be less squirrelly about appearing in pictures.


8. Master Alexa Chung’s Eyeliner

I can’t have Alexa Chung’s face, body, or bank account, but that little eyeliner flick should be achievable. I commit to sitting down in front of YouTube and not giving up until I have mastered the perfectly insouciant cat-eye flick without screwing them up and having to overcompensate with giant scary raccoon eyes.


9. Beg, Borrow, Or Steal A Clarisonic

I can’t possibly be the only person reading beauty blogs and obsessing over the Clarisonic, can I? All the rich and famous and beautiful people swear it will change everything about your face and make you look just like Miranda Kerr, but they tout lots of products that don’t seem to do anything. (I took fishy hair supplements for a year and did not see any noticeable hair improvement.) Unfortunately, the Clarisonic is over $200, which means it’s awfully expensive for something you’re not sure about. My current plan is to become best friends with Miranda Kerr, have her invite me over to her house, and then use her Clarisonic while she isn’t looking. If I like it, I will be sure to let you guys know.


10. Go to a Dermatologist

If I’m spending all this money on makeup and skin care, I should probably also go to an expert, right? I have good health insurance now, so it’s definitely time to make an appointment to talk to someone about health and vanity issues. “Please make sure I do not have skin cancer! … and while we’re here, do you have any thoughts about my nasolabial folds?”