LAS VEGAS, NV - SEPTEMBER 21: Adam Levine of Maroon 5 performs onstage during the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on September 21, 2013 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Clear Channel)

LAS VEGAS, NV – SEPTEMBER 21: Adam Levine of Maroon 5 performs onstage during the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on September 21, 2013 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Clear Channel)

People Magazine has crowned its 2013 Sexiest Man Alive! The winner? Adam Levine, singer of Maroon 5 and coach of The Voice, bearer of many tattoos and utterer of many stupid statements. Apparently, Levine is deserving of the Sexiest Man Alive title, so congrats to him! I think. You know, because he reads The Gloss so much and will totally see this. So, how does he feel about his newfound glory? In his People interview, he voices poorly-acted awe:

“As a musician, you have fantasies that you want to win Grammys, but I didn’t really think that this was on the table,” the singer tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “I was just amazed and stunned and it almost seemed like they were kidding, but they weren’t, so that’s cool.”

Of course, I do not agree with People‘s choice (sorry, Leviners, if that is what you call yourselves), but that is a discussion we will elaborate on very soon. For now, I’ll try to come up with what People may have been thinking when they made this choice:

  • Adam Levine is on The Voice. That is a popular show with a lot of humans, though I am not entirely sure why.
  • Adam Levine is engaged to Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo, though I am not entirely sure if that matters to anybody, either, considering he’s dated about half of VS’s roster.
  • Adam Levine has a high vocal range, so he can sing you sexy, sexy lullabies.
  • Adam Levine sang “She Will Be Loved,” which was in my eighth grade AIM profile. I think I bolded “loved” and made it red.
  • Adam Levine is not Bradley Cooper, which means hopefully nobody will literally protest his new title.

Other than those semi-facts, I am totally lost on the appeal of Adam Levine. If you can prove it to me, by all means, go for it. Otherwise, I think I’ll label this one a loss for People.

So, who is the Sexiest Man Alive? Well, we have our own nominees