I don’t think I’ve ever clutched a handful of lipsticks inside a Sephora without turning to my companion and asking “Who the fuck names this shit?” Normally, makeup names tend towards inoffensively boring–Peach, or maybe Sand or Labia. Sometimes, though, they go off the rails and I wonder who the hell these companies are marketing to. The answer is definitely not the women who would buy their products.
Here’s my five least-favorite makeup names that make me want to scrub everything off my face and only use the natural pigments in beet juice to color my face from now on:
We’re all familiar with Nars’ cult favorite, wildly-flattering blush Orgasm (and now they’ve introduced Super Orgasm, which seems like a big promise), but did you know about Deep Throat? Described as “peach with shimmer,” this shade will highlight your cheek bones and blow jobbing skills.
This is the perfect color for quiet seething and feeling undesirable.
Yikes. This feels like dad from Seventh Heaven trying to rap.
Wait, Box like vagina? Oh I see what you did there. Well, if this is supposed to be vaginal, please go to your nearest emergency room because it would appear that this vagina has been the victim of a bloody crime.
So sexy, it’s statutory.
Urban Decay hits a lot of marks with their colorful eyeshadows that apparently people still buy for the purpose of applying color to their eyelids. Champion titles include: Hijack (a metallic teal), Snatch (shimmering peach–good try), Asphyxia (a shimmering blue-lavendar, like the color of people who have asphyxiated), and Virgin (a “cool pale beige satin,” which is the most virginal of fabrics).
Did we miss any sexist, problematic, fucked up, offensive, or just plain weird-as-shit makeup colors? Who wants to take a decontamination shower?
Photos: Getty Images, Sephora.com