Martha Stewart Holiday Book Signing For "Martha Stewart's Cakes"

Martha Stewart is impeccable in every way. Seriously, can you think of a better word for her than “impeccable?” She’s always impeccably styled, her hair is impeccably coiffed, her home is impeccably decorated, and her garden is probably impeccably covered in artisanal manure. So it makes sense that the world at large would be fascinated by this woman’s beauty routine, so much so that The New York Times would run an article on the subject that is just a reboot of Allure‘s similar article from last year.

The profile is full of matter-of-fact beauty tips (“Also, I’ve used Latisse and it’s really helped. People should try that.”), and also proves without a doubt that Stewart is a space alien here to conquer us all with her flawless skin. If you are a goddess hanging out on Mount Olympus, these tips are for you. If you’re a mere mortal like me whose socks simply do not match, these definitely won’t work for you.

1. Humans have to deal with pores, and their beauty routines should probably reflect that. But according to Stewart: “I don’t get clogged pores.” I thought that pores were just little miniature skin buckets that waited to get filled up with gunk to make your life miserable. Am I wrong here?

2. Martha Stewart’s beauty regimen costs more than your shitty car. Racked added up the prices of the zillions of products that Stewart slathers on her pore-less skin and hair every day, and it came to $2,103. That’s more than my New York City rent. Considerably. But then again, I’d almost rather be homeless and have flawless body skin. 

3. Her routine requires you to wake up about two hours before you leave for your thankless job such that you can apply a face mask. You’ll need to rotate between four designer masks every day. Don’t even consider slicing up an avocado like a heathen. Oh, you made a cool DIY face mask with essential oils last week? I bet you feel pretty good about yourself, you huge failure.

4. You should have a facial, once a month, for 45 years. You’ll really start to see the results about 30 years in.

5. If you don’t have time to exercise, you should just bury yourself alive and spare the world from seeing you. Martha’s wisdom tells us:

You can be the most beautiful person on earth, and if you don’t have a fitness or diet routine, you won’t be beautiful.

Stewart’s right–even if you love yourself and feel beautiful, you won’t actually be beautiful until you subscribe to her lifestyle practices. Who wants to go for a hike?

Photo: Getty Images