Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Well, except the weasel. – Homer Simpson

There’s been a lot of talk of cleansing and other detox programs on The Gloss lately, and it’s making me feel like I’m supposed to want to be healthier or live off of liquids or something. (Now, if those liquids were all bourbon, I’d listen. But instead they all have carrot juice in them, and that shit is disgusting.) Plus, I have a lot of health-conscious friends who are always blathering about the importance of eating only food that doesn’t have a shadow and keep encouraging me to go to restaurants with them. As a result, I have come up with some foolproof ways to weasel out of pressures to be healthy and do anything other than mainline processed cheese.

  • Blame food allergies.
    If you say you’re lactose intolerant or have Celiac or whatever, people will nod understandingly.
  • Pull the religion card.
    True story: I have lied about my level of kosher observance in order to claim a certain diet plan wouldn’t work for me. This is a good lie, because kosher laws are really complicated and you can pretty much always find some kind of loophole. There are no references to kale juice in the Bible, and I can atone for my lying later.
  • Claim you’re on some kind of prescription.
    This one is good if the diet involves herbs of any kind, since many herbs do interact badly with different kinds of medicines (antidepressants and birth control are good standbys). Having to talk to your doctor about something is a great stalling tactic.
  • You’re training or doing some kind of tailored workout regimen.
    There was a McDonald’s at the Olympic Village, and people actually ate there. Why? Because for some athletes, their workout is so intense they can use the extra empty calories. If you tell people you’re training for, like, a marathon or something, they’ll assume you already have a specific regimen you have to follow strictly. The downside is that they might ask followup questions or inquire about a nutritionist referral.
  • Make up a diet, and then say you’re on it.
    If you’re surrounded by health nuts, they will all want to sound like they’re in the know about the latest health regimen. So if you make up some sciencey sounding word, no one will challenge you on it because they don’t want to be the only person in the room who hasn’t heard of Dessertitarianism.