So here’s a fun fact for all of you: I absolutely hate Thanksgiving. It’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time with my family (hi, family that reads my work!) or fall in general (we all know that it’s my favorite season). It has more to do with the fact that I hate the nagging questions about my personal life (hi again, family that reads my work!), I think it’s a relatively useless holiday, and more than anything else, I hate the food. And it definitely doesn’t help that, this year, I have every intention of sticking to my diet. And you know what? I have a lot of feelings about it. Please allow me to share all of my feelings with you, right here and now.
Here are the nine emotional stages of being on a diet during Thanksgiving:
I can do this. Thanksgiving food isn’t even that good. Happy pumpkin pie holiday? Happy pumpkin pie TO THE GROUND.
Oh, they brought out the good wine this time. They know how much I like the good wine. But there are so many empty calories in it! But it’s so good…
Okay, I swear if I have to listen to one more argument about politics, I’m going to shove an entire turkey leg in mouth just to have something else to do.
Hell is sitting next to your 22-year-old cousin who can eat whatever he wants while you have to just sit there and pretend like, “Yes, of course, I’m enjoying my green beans with a side of air and self-hatred, why do you ask?”
Me, five seconds later, watching my family get up for second helpings of everything.
That’s right, I’m angry and hungry, and you know what that cookie would go great with? THE TEETH INSIDE MY MOUTH WHILE I EAT SEVEN OF THEM AT ONCE.
Is exhaustion an emotion? Do I care at this point? The answer to both of those questions: I don’t even care anymore. Trying to be healthy is so damn tiring.
Okay, this night shows no signs of ending. I don’t know if I’ll make it through. Is this how I die? There are so many things I never had the chance to do. Tell Nick Jonas I love him. And also Logan Lerman. And Dylan O’Brien. And Zach Kornfeld over at BuzzFeed. Wait, are you busy? I’ll just make you a list real quick…
Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I am the champion once more! Everyone should aspire to be me! As the great and powerful Amy Poehler once said, “I’m the best in the world!” Exclamation points!