Dear Minnie Mouse,


I’m sorry.

Look, I think this is partly my fault. I haven’t been there for you. How many years has it been Minnie? God, a lot. Too many, I guess. I know that you probably feel like I – and everyone – kicked you to the curb when they turned 8. And I know that you want to find a way to get our attention back.

But, Minnie, you can’t act out this way. You can’t act out this way because it’s not good for you.

I know that you want to be a sophisticate. I know that because the Forever21 press release about the Minnie Mouse collection says so. According to Jezebel, it says:

The upcoming collection follows Minnie Mouse shopping in fashion capitals London, Paris and Tokyo in preparation for her line. Disney Consumer Products designed the special Minnie Mouse character art and style guide especially for modern fashionistas, just like Forever 21’s customers. The style is fresh and portrays Minnie Mouse in a whole new way-leggy, modern and glamorous.
And I’m okay with you being glamorous, Minnie. No one wants to take that away from you. I think you are really just… just rocking those fake eyelashes. And I don’t even mind that you’ve lose weight. I hope you didn’t feel that you needed to, because I loved you just the way you were, but I understand. These are the times we live in Minnie. Skinny Minnie times. I get that.
But your legs. What kind of awful, Gattaca-esque operation have you had performed on your legs?
What have they done to your legs? What did you let them do to your legs?
Oh Minnie Mouse, oh childhood, oh incalculable losses. But that we could go back, Minnie. We’d do better this time. But there is never any hope of return, is there? No. You’ll teeter on on those freakish beanpole gams, off into a false lashed future where mini means skirt and not mouse. Like all of us. Like all of us.
Maxi-Mouses Everywhere.