Dear Sammi,

I am just going to call you Sammi, aight? I mean, this whole Sweetheart thing is a total lie. Plus, if Snooki can be Nicole now, you’re not too good to use your real name. So, Samantha, you must be pissed that the other people from your show have way more endorsement deals than you. The Situation has a vodka, Snooki has a book, JWoww has a clothing line, and Vinny has my undying love and affection. Now that you have already stolen the name of my favorite American Girl doll and tried to ruin it by being a trifling nitwit who lets her boyfriend treat her like shit on television, you have found time to launch a fragrance.

The scent is called “Dangerous.” Then again, it might also be called “Dangerous Perfume.” It sounds stupid to include the name of the product in the product, don’t you think, Sammi? It would be like calling your lipstick “Lipstick Colored Lipstick” or asking your friends to tell if your boyfriend is cheating and then yelling at them for being honest with you. It was smart of you to have a men and women’s scent available, though, because no girl would want to do anything differently from her boyfriend. The couple who smells alike and spends every waking second together stays together.

But there’s one thing that’s bothering me, Sammi: what does your fragrance smell like? I’d imagine it’s some combination of “stays in bed all day long” crossed with “Ron Ron Juice.” And I don’t know what flaming bitchitude smells like, but I’m sure it has top notes of honey and freesia.

Best of luck with the whole product endorsement thing. I was personally holding you’d hope out for a line of extensions that withstand hot tubs and dumb fights with your boyfriend because Britney Spears probably would have bought your entire stock, but hey, your crack decision-making ability has never failed you.