An Alternative Look At The 86th Annual Academy Awards

Ugh, the world’s most beautiful couple is coming to an end. And do you know how I know that? I have incontrovertible proof that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are heading for conscious uncoupling: they’re planning kooky, super secret matching tattoos to celebrate their upcoming marital bliss, according to Radar. Who wants to take bets as to when they’ll announce their break up? It’s a sad day.

According to Radar’s source (I’m going to guess–the dude who waxes Pitt’s genitals), “Brad really wants to do something special, and frankly, a little weird to mark the occasion, and they want to get the exact same design, in the exact same spot in their bodies.” Oh my goodness. What could it be?

Well, we might never get to know, because this source thinks that Pitt and Jolie might be a bit withholding.

“Don’t expect it to be something that’s visible when they’re out day to day. They might just acknowledge to the press that they did it, but keep the actual content of the tattoos as their love secret.”

This source is such a smug little shit. I hate him. So here’s what we know: Jolie and Pitt are going to get matching tattoos in a secret place (butt?), and now we’re all going to just have to hope we get to see their butts sometime soon. And hope that they withstand the curse of matching tattoos. Blarg, they were such an adorable family.

Love-themed tattoos are typically a pretty bad idea (see: Johnny Depp‘s “Winona Forever”), and arguably could just jinx everything. In fact, you might remember that this would not be Jolie’s first nuptial tattoo–she had “Billy Bob” tattooed onto her bicep during her 2000-2003 marriage to Billy Bob Thornton, but like their love, that tattoo has been lasered away. So, definitely do this again. Fantastic idea.

And so, it’s with a heavy heart that I must report on the end of the Jolie-Pitt partnership, or at the very least, the beginning of the end. The minute they have whatever weirdo tribute to their love that they decided on inked into their backsides (I’m just going to go with the butt theory), they’ll likely being to find each other repulsive. Welp, they had a good run.

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images