According to this doll’s description: ‘Plucking and shaving is definitely a full-time job but that’s a small price to pay for being scarily fabulous.’ Some of her hobbies include flirting with boys and waxing away unwanted hair.

I was sort of shocked – because although, yes wearing skirts that short perhaps means that a Brazilian wouldn’t be the worst idea – I’m really in favor of keeping that area of life a secret from girls until they’re say, 7 and a half. Given that she’s being bought for girls as young as five, this seems a little crazy.

I was shocked, until I realized that she’s apparently the daughter of a werewolf, making her her half werewolf herself (I imagine that her mother is either Lil’ Kim or a turn of the century French prostitute). She’s part of a set of dolls that are supposed to be from “Monster High.” So I switched back! And I was like “oh, hah, people take things too seriously that are dumb! They’re just pointing out that she’s a werewolf! Fine!”

But then the Mattel spokesperson – instead of just saying “hah! You morons!” – started trying to justify why this doll was waxing her entire body and explained that the dolls are “all about celebrating your imperfections.” Well, I’m not sure that having bodily hair is really a big imperfection, and if she’s waxing it all off it doesn’t really seem like she’s “celebrating it” so much as “eliminating it entirely” but… okay. I guess. Sure.

And then the spokeperson explained “Girls of a certain age know about the embarrassment of unwanted hair in unwanted places.” Oh, Jesus Christ. Really? These dolls are popular with 5 year olds. Do they really have to worry about the embarrassment of unwanted hair just yet? Can’t they continue to worry about being exposed for killing neighborhood children just a little while longer? Can’t they worry about suffocating the handyman? Whatever happened to youth?

In conclusion, I only played with gnomes as a child.