bridget jones ironing her hair

During a Fourth of July party with friends, one of my girlfriends climbed out of the pool, plopped down next to me, and announced to the group that she should have remembered to put waterproof mascara on her eyebrows. The women laughed and agreed and expressed similar concerns. “I should have shaved my thighs before putting on this bikini,” I said. “I never remember that my foundation runs all down my face when I get soaking wet,” another friend said. Meanwhile, the guys among us just looked confused and frustrated. “Can we go back to the eyebrow mascara thing?” one of them interrupted. “Is that a thing?”

While I’m personally in favor of not giving a shit what men think of my beauty routine, it’s pretty hilarious to know that half the things we do to make our faces look awesome are foreign concepts to men. In celebration of their cluelessness, here are 10 beauty mistakes that women notice… but men don’t.

  1. When you leave your brows unshaped, ungelled, or unplucked. Unless they’re taking over your entire face (like mine!) or they don’t exist at all, most people won’t be staring at your brows long enough to notice anything about them.
  2. When you forget to stand or sit with perfect Princess Diaries posture. It might be more flattering to straighten your body out, but who has the energy for that?
  3. When your summer tan makes your usual concealer shade look too light. You’re not crazy for feeling self-conscious about it, but your girlfriends definitely don’t care, and your guy friends definitely can’t tell.
  4. When you’re wearing black shoes with a navy dress. He’s not looking that closely, and even if he were, he probably wouldn’t know why it matters.
  5. When you’ve been running on dry shampoo for a week straight. If it doesn’t smell horrible or look blatantly greasy, nobody who only owns one hair product is going to have any idea what’s going on.
  6. When you’ve left the house with just one earring. Unless someone’s throughly inspecting you, they’re not going to see. Besides, there’s some evidence to suggest that we’re heading into a one-earring trend.
  7. When your outfit is “mixing genres.” Wear your leather pants and your crochet top all you want, girl.
  8. When your eye makeup is outside the color wheel of what your skin tone is “supposed” to wear. No one can ever remember what it means to be an “autumn” or a “warm pink.”
  9. When your pedicure is jacked up. If you’re not throwing your feet in his face, it probably won’t occur to him to even look in that direction.
  10. When your fingernails are different lengths. I’m always complaining about this to my friends when I go too long between filings, and I guarantee that ZERO people have ever noticed them.

Photo: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)