I do a lot of facial masks and scrubs in the name of experimentation, and so today I decided to give my punim a little break and focus on my weary feet.

How weary?

So fucking weary.

Anyway, what I want to do this week is a scrub for my feet. They tend to be on the dry side, and I haven’t gotten a pedicure in a few weeks, and really, they need some love.

But a lot of foot scrubs that I found online call for ingredients that I don’t have — pumpkins, strawberries, cranberries, bananas — not because I never have fruit in the house, Judgy McJudgerstein, but because I go to the grocery store on Saturday, and today is Friday, so I’m out of everything.

That sort of put a damper on the foot scrub idea…until I turned up a recipe that calls for only two things: sugar, and olive oil. The recipe also calls for lavender essential oils, but I think that’s just for fragrance, so what I’m going to do here is burn a scented candle in the room while I scrub my feet.

Here’s what you’ll need to gather:

Fairly simple, right? We all have sugar, olive oil and socks. You’ll then mix 1/2 cup of sugar with 2 tablespoons of olive oil together, and come out with something looking curiously like every scrub you’ve ever purchased in your entire life:

The only thing that’s different about this scrub and the one I have from the Body Shop sitting on my shower ledge at this very moment is that 1) it’s a little more dry, 2) it doesn’t smell like lemon, and 3) it doesn’t have any fancy packaging. Oh, and 4) it didn’t cost $17.

You’ll then want to gather  your supplies and make your way to the bathroom. If you’re like me, you’re going to bring along your candle and light it:

Put your feet in the bathtub (don’t forget to set the nozzle to bath, or you will get showered upon), let the lovely, relaxing warm water wash over your feet, and then apply the scrub. Here’s how it looks on (hint: just like most other scrubs) (And yes, my toes are engaged in a death grip on the side of the tub while I try to take a picture):

Massaging this stuff on feels good, but if you — like me — get squeamish during that part in the pedicure when they scrub your feet because it tickles so much, take heed: this is ticklish scrub as well. You’ll have to brace a bit, but I know you can do it.

Now, I’m going to stop here and give you a few tips that I learned the hard way.

1. It’s actually not such a good idea to have a candle, because oil+candle+ceramic tile=very, very dangerous. So I would suggest either forgoing fragrance altogether, or using something that doesn’t involve a flame.

2. I used 1/2 cups of sugar and 2 tablespoons of olive oil. You really don’t need that much, though, and in this economy, who can afford to waste? I’d say you can safely half the recipe, so 1/4 cup of sugar and 1 tablespoon of olive oil.

3. You might be tempted to substitute out sugar for salt, if that’s all you have on hand. That would probably work just fine, but please make sure you don’t have any recent shaving nicks. I did, and I was very glad it wasn’t salt that I was rubbing into them.

4. The next step in this process is to dry your feet and put on socks. Don’t accidentally leave your socks in the kitchen! Running from room to room with olive oil on your feet is only a very small amount safer than reaching past an open flame for things that are located behind you in a bathroom.

Anyway, moving on, dry your feet off and put on your socks. I have opted for my Happy Chanukah socks:

And that’s it! Your feet are scrubbed, your calluses are gone, you’re relaxed, and you’re ready for the weekend. Happy Friday.