You can roll the Scientia Derma Roller over you face and body to eliminate wrinkles and increase circulation! And by “circulation” perhaps they mean “cuts like you scratched yourself in the face with needles.” That would make more sense given that the Derma Roller in entirely covered with needles!

Now, sure, needles can be great when you visit a skilled acupuncturist, but when you’re doing beauty treatments at home? By yourself? Drunk? With frostbitten fingers?

Supposedly the pins are able to “part the pores on the skin without damaging them.” However, we think it could be disastrous when you accidentally leave it on the floor, step on it, and it parts your pores in a non-gentle manner. Actually, we’re just confused about this whole “pore parting” business in general. Did our pores need parting? When someone sits on a cactus, is that a fine example of pore parting? What happens when they part? Does Moses get in and make us prettier?

In any event, we’re going to hold onto our $81 dollars and spend it on a beauty product that isn’t best described by the word “stabby.”