Personally, I don’t go for these mud masks, or these newfangled facials. No, I like to do things the old way. I like to have trained professionals to inject my face full of blood.  It was good enough for Elizabeth Bathory, and by gum, it’s good enough for me.

The technical name for the procedure is Sephyl, though I refuse to think of it as anything but a vampire face lift. It involves injecting a mixture of blood into wrinkles. Just for kicks! No, supposedly it acts as a “non-surgical cosmetic filler.” It’s properties are similar to Juvederm or Restylane, except that it’s blood. And it’s probably your own blood, mixed with injectables. After drawing your blood, the mechanics of which aren’t described, specialists “separate the platelets from the red blood cells, blending the platelets with a fibrin mixture and injecting it to the area a patient wants to augment.” I guess it’s good if you’re dating Mel Gibson and don’t want any “foreign bodies” inside you, though bad if you’re dating Edward Cullen.