Today, January Jones and Betty Draper are going to have a beauty showdown! Who is lovelier? We tried this last week with Emilia Clarke vs, Daenerys Targaryen and the ultimate winner was, “This game is absurd, because they are the same person!” But who will win this time? I bet it will be Betty Draper, because I love it when people style their hair elaborately and wear fifties style make-up.
January Jones: Why do you fashion your hair as if you were a Muppet, January Jones? Did Muppets even have hair? I think they had bizarre little tufts, like the ones you keep fashioning your hair into. You keep doing that. Sometimes I think, “That is fun.” Sometimes I do not think that. Honestly, it can really go either way.
Betty Draper: No, your hair is consistently lovely. it doesn’t move. It is lovely in every single scene. The fact that it does not move does not detract from its loveliness. It is not like a Muppet. It is like beauty in its purest form. Your hair. Your hair is like that. Black, gold, whatever. It is beautiful.
Winner: Betty Draper.
January Jones: Lady, I do not even understand orange lipstick. I don’t know that anyone does, really. It’s okay! It’s fine! You have your own choices to make, but I always wish you would do your make-up… more like Betty Draper. There. I said it. Betty Draper looks fabulous.
Betty Draper: Your make-up is impeccable. You look perfect. You look absolutely perfect. Was everyone’s make-up perfect and smudge-less in the 60’s? Did they have better products again? I don’t know. You still look great.
Winner: Betty Draper.
January Jones: Unlike Betty Draper, January Jones does appear to smile on a regular basis. Like, a regular “human being with facial expressions” basis.
Betty Draper: However, when Betty Draper does smile, it is heartbreaking. It is the most moving, heartbreaking thing possible. Poor Betty Draper with her very few smiles.
Winner: Betty Draper
Niceness to kids (I guess this is a beauty measurement if you’re going exclusively by Disney standards):
January Jones: Jared Gillmore, her onscreen son, claimed, “Be careful around January [Jones]. She’s not as approachable as the others. She’s really serious about what she does. Everyone else is so nice.” So… I guess she is not that nice.
Betty Draper: Well, you were nice to Sally when she had her period for the first time, but you also slapped her in the face. And you emotionally slapped her in the face a whole bunch. You’re pretty much failing in this department, most of the time. However, your make-up remains impeccable!
Winner: Betty Draper? She’s trying, I guess?
Ability To Play Emma Frost in X-Men, because you should consider that whenever you are trying to decide whether someone is beautiful or the MOST beautiful:
January Jones: You know, I think she played Emma Frost pretty well. Look, I really liked X-Men: First Class. Not everyone did. I understand that. But at the very least, isn’t it cool that her name is January Jones and her super-villain power was freezing people? Did no one but me think it was great? I also liked how her hair looked. I thought her hair looked great.
Betty Draper: Look, Betty Draper is not an actress. She is pretty jealous of Megan Draper, who is an actress. She could not play Emma Frost in X-Men. She would not be asked to. Because she is not an actress, and because it is 50 years before that movie would be made. I know. It makes me sad, too.
Winner: January Jones
Ultimate Winner: Well,, Betty won every single category except one. This contest was biased by the fact that I absolutely love Betty Draper, but I am not going to apologize for that. You go, Betty Draper. You are a winner.
Picture via WENN, AMC