Let’s start this off with an analogy, shall we?

I love hot cocoa. It is delicious and wonderful and always comforting in a classic way. It needs no wild flair, but when a splash of some interesting extra happens to be added or it’s served in a new mug, its flavor and consistency always complimented, never overpowered. Hot cocoa has always kept a consistently good role in the beverage section of your heart. Hot cocoa is excellent.

Smirnoff Ice is not excellent. Smirnoff Ice is sugary, disgusting and makes you want to vomit if you consume more than a sip. Sure, it’s fun to joke with your friends about Smirnoff Ice–you can even play games to see who can best stand its particular blend of carbonated Splenda water fermented in a gas station sink. It’s fun, so they say, to “Ice” people. But do not be misled: Smirnoff Ice–no matter how much gross novelty fun you may have had with it in 9th grade–is always a bad idea, even when you briefly believe it’s changed. It is not a tasty drink. You do not serve it to guests. It is not in your heart. belongs nowhere near hot cocoa.

In other news, Kim Kardashian had her makeup done by Betty White.

An upcoming episode of Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, White’s comedic reality show on NBC, will feature Kim herself on a back-to-back pair of episodes. The show’s premise is the elderly playing pranks on the young, and this particular bit will be about 90-year-old White getting ready to go out with 32-year-old Smirnoff Ice Kardashian, which I can only imagine will involve a lot of throwing away White’s old “ghetto” clothes and drinking milkshakes with the labels facing the wall of paparazzi Kris Jenner has had installed. In any case, I’m hoping whatever this prank was winds up being truly amazing; I hate the holidays and I will be needing a fantastic laugh sometime soon. Please don’t ruin cocoa for me, Smirnoff Ice; Christmas depends on it.

Photo: Trae Patton/NBC via People.com