Well, shit. This 1915 advice column for women, brought to us by that beacon of body positivity, the Daily Mail, tells ladies all about how to get rid of “salt cellars,” aka arm flab or, as they call it in the UK, bingo wings. I thought that they were a relatively modern concern (Especially considering that many women were still wearing sleeves that covered their arms in that era? Except the super-rich, like the ladies on Downton Abbey) but apparently, no. Women’s media has been making up body image issues for women to feel bad about for almost a hundred years!
There’s a slow, creaky change towards body positivity in the media, but that doesn’t mean all of the misogynistic, body-policing rhetoric is going to be going away completely. Maybe in a hundred years, we’ll be reading magazines through a chip that streams them right into our brains and maybe the headlines will be will be giving us advice on how to get tiny so we can fit into our tiny flying cars (Yes, my conception of the future is actually just like The Jetsons).
Here are 10 body image issues that I hope the women living in 2115 won’t be worried about.
1. Thigh gaps: Let’s hope that in the future, we’re all wearing like, synthetic silver bubble suits so everyone’s thighs look like baby balloons and no can see a gap for miles and miles and miles. No one even thinks of looking for a gap.
2. Bikini bridge: Whether it’s a 4chain creation or not, I’m sure some women are still super concerned about whether or not their bathing suits and hip bones make a perfect, tiny bridge over their pelvis. This is bullshit.
3. Saggy earlobes: Because no one needs “earlobe rejuvenation.”
4. Buffalo hump: You neck is fat. Your back is fat. You’re a buffalo. Get out.
5. Turkey neck: For this terrible affliction, Oprah.com suggests “thinking of your neck as a skirt that needs hemming.” But don’t worry! You can banish your horrifically saggy neck skin with facial yoga.
6. Cankles: It is my fervent hope that one day, we will live a world where the word cankles is banished from our collective vocabulary.
7. Thut: Your “thut” is area between your butt and your upper thighs, which, if you didn’t know it, should be defined. It shouldn’t be like, an amorphous mass of flesh. There should be a butt and then a thigh, not a thut. Go fix your thut!!
8. Armpit fat: Or, armpit vagina, as Jennifer Lawrence likes to call it.
9. Saddlebags: Why are all of these terms so offensively cowboy-sounding? Thut, cankle, buffalo hump and saddlebags sound like things you need on your ranch, not things on your body.
10. Foot fat: Because this is ridiculous in any era.