buffalo hump

It’s 2014, which means it’s time to start worrying about all the things of the year. While Pantone has tricked you into painting your nails “Radiant Orchid,” the medical industry wants you to start analyzing your reflection for signs of the “buffalo hump.”

According to the Daily Mail, the buffalo hump is the figure flaw of the year. Basically, it’s when the back of your neck gets fat and all your strengths, abilities, and good qualities cease to exist, because only the weight of your neck matters. The Daily Mail couldn’t find a picture of a person who actually has this problem, so it used pictures of Heidi Montag and Cameron Diaz instead.

According to the Daily Mail, a gathering of fat at the base of the neck is “caused by excessive weight gain” and surgical procedures to remove buffalo humps have increased 350 percent since 2012. Apparently, interest is growing.

“This issue undoubtedly leaves sufferers feeling self-conscious and miserable, especially as it occurs in an area of the body that people don’t usually worry about,” said a spokesperson from WhatClinic.com. “A relatively simple surgical procedure can correct the problem, and restore the person’s normal shape.”

A round swelling of flesh at the base of the neck can be a real medical issue. Some issues that look similar to the buffalo hump fat deposit are tumors and side effects of osteoporosis. When it is a gathering of fat, it is sometimes caused by medication, and it can also be a sign of Cushing’s syndrome. A sudden, noticeable protuberance developing at the base of the neck is something worth seeing a doctor about, but there’s no reason for anybody to start craning their necks in the mirror to see if they’ve got this new, dreaded figure flaw to worry about.

Inventing figure problems for people to stress about and spend money trying to fix appears to be a very lucrative business. I should get in on that!

As a new expert at figure problems, here are some you should really watch out for in the new year:

Horse Ears – It’s considered unattractive for a woman to have ears that flick around in different directions, especially because it lets people know if you are interested or angry. Preserve your feminine mystery by having this surgically corrected right now.

Pillbug Back – It might seem nice to be able to suddenly roll up into a tiny sphere, but studies show it is very off-putting to men.

Cat Hands – Retractable claws are traditionally unfeminine. No Hollywood celebrities have retractable claws, so you should definitely get rid of those.

Capybara Mouth – This is when your front two teeth grow constantly. It can be remedied at home by constantly chewing sticks of wood, but the world of cosmetic dentistry would very much like to introduce you to some diamond-studded veneers.

Kangaroo Butt – This is when you have a joey in your butt.