reasons women can't lose weight

I wish I could show you the entire photo series of these two exercising. It’s just like this, but a 100-photo flip book.

Oh, Daily Mail. You keep being you. The dumb tabloid has some things to say about weight loss, and at this point I’d better just let it speak for itself:

“… men are usually more successful than women because they’re more focused and have fewer food-related emotional issues.”

The statement should be taken with a grain of salt not just because it’s from the Daily Mail, but because people are all different and many men find they have to work very hard to meet or stay at a goal weight, whatever that goal weight is. Matthew Broderick has complained about how unfair it is that Sarah Jessica Parker has an easier time staying slim than he does, and many men think their female partners’ bodies respond more quickly to changes in diet or exercise. Everybody’s body is different and many people respond to changes in diet and exercise differently.

According to the Mail, it gets its information from a study that was recently undertaken by a website called Slimming World, which says its research shows that men lose weight a bit more quickly than women, then decides that’s because men are better at ignoring temptation and don’t comfort eat when things go wrong. Because that is a thing that we women do. When our cats break up with us, we sob into our ice cream and eat pillows full of cookies.

I think we can just go ahead and assume that Slimming World is not an academic think tank with rigorous attention to peer review.

“Research suggests that men’s brains are more solutions-based and they often tell us that they have fewer commitments at home, so once they find out how our eating plan works they tend to just get on and do it,” said Slimming World’s Dr. Jacquie Lavin.

Our eating plan? Ohhhh, right. This entire study is about how people lost weight on one particular diet program that the researchers are trying to sell on the Internet.

The adverscience even says it doesn’t really know what’s going on.

“There isn’t a single factor that explains why men lose weight faster than women, or why any one person is more successful than another,” Dr. Lavin said. “It’s down to a combination of things including our emotions, genetics, upbringing, culture and the environment we live in. … It’s important not to categorize men and women too rigidly, though. Every individual – man or woman – is different.”

This entire article is based on a study the premise of which seems to be, “Look how much weight all these people lost on the diet plan I am selling on the Internet. And men lose 1% more per weight per week because their brains are more solutions-based and they’re less emotional. Please be enraged and click this link.”

Man, I am in the wrong line of work. I want to make beaucoup money for shitty science! In that vein, here are 20 reasons women can’t lose weight:


1. Worrying too much about their looks.

2. Too busy worrying about aging.

3. Not worrying enough about their looks.

4. Too focused on babies.

5. Too focused on declining fertility.

6. Not focused enough on declining fertility.

7. Leaning in.

8. Opting out.

9. Rape.

10. Men are more emotionally attached to their food, and thus don’t want to eat it because it would be gone.

11. Miley Cyrus Twerking.

12. Pavlovian response to the One Direction perfume.

13. Orange is the New Black has calories.

14. Fat-shaming causes people to gain weight, and even your fucking iPhone is body-snarking you.

15. Women do not know about the revolutionary new The Gloss-brand diet plan that we will sell you for $49.95. 

16. Your diet plan is full of bacon and lies. (No refunds.)

17. Being treated as an equal in a STEM field burns 800 calories an hour.

18. Ovaries are made of lead.

19. Ack! Chocolate!

20. The cats are sabotaging your diet.

Via The Daily Mail/Photo: Shutterstock