World's Largest Implants-haver Sheyla Hershey is not affiliated with the Marshall clan.

“Meet the Marshall girls–the family who’ve had more boob jobs than any other in Britain!” trumpets the Sun‘s headline about a family that’s just crazy for breast implants. And so begins the latest UK tabloid story to troll all decent, reasonable humans on the internet. You may even feel a sense of relief that finally there’s someone to fill the gap between Sarah Burge‘s horrible, child-exploiting publicity stunts.

The angle is Britney Marshall, a 14-year-old from Nottinghamshire, England, is the youngest girl in her family and the only one without breast implants. Her mother, who is hopefully some invention of a vile brain (like Botox Mom?) told the Sun, “Britney is going through a funny phase at the moment and saying she doesn’t want to get her boobs done.” A funny phase!

But before we get too deep, here are some unsettling statistics about the Marshall family:

Chantal, 53, is a size 32GG after four boob jobs. Emma, 30, is also 32GG after three ops, Ripley, 21, is 32DD after one, Terri, 27, is 34HH after three and Tara, 26, has had two ops to become 34F. In total, the busty fivesome had nearly three litres of silicone put in their breasts in 13 ops. […] The five women have now spent £50,000 on boob jobs and have been dubbed The Kardashians of the East Midlands after the US TV family who are obsessed with their looks.

You’re probably thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” If so, that’s completely normal. But it’s important to remember that these people aren’t necessarily apocalyptic visions, sometimes they’re just exaggerated comic book-style villains manufactured by tabloids like the Sun. For all we know, Britney is going to be fine and she’s surrounded by actors.

But then they keep getting quotes from Chantal:

 “Britney is 14 going on 30. She idolises her older sisters so we’ve already starting talking about her getting a boob job. At the moment she doesn’t really have what I would say are boobs — but I’d like her to follow in her sisters’ footsteps. […] I really love the fake look of my girls and I know Britney will go that way when she’s a bit older. […] I love the idea of us all looking similar and glamorous. Britney’s the brainy one and does quite well at school. But she already dyes her hair blonde and wears lots of make-up and tan. It’s only a matter of time before she starts saving for new boobs.”

It’s worth noting, also, that Chantal is a professional psychic.

The Sun‘s piece ends with an observation from brother Danny, 20, who said: “I think it’s hilarious. I don’t understand girls sometimes.” Neither do we, Danny. Neither do we.

(The Sun, photo via Wenn)