It’s Big Girl Badge week at TheGloss! Remember to send your approximately 800 word reader submissions about how you evolved past being a woman child to Jennifer [at] thegloss.com or Ashley [at] thegloss.com to win hundreds of dollars of prizes.

You guys, I’m in so much pain and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it.

It hurts. Where? In my solar plexus, I think. I’m surprised I still remember that word. I expect to have lost all ability to communicate with words by the end of the week. It’s going to be a lot like that Stephen King story. You know, the one that’s terrifying.

This has made realize what a staple of my day it is to come into the office, drink a Zero calorie Monster and then wash it down with a Diet Coke. It’s also made me realize what a staple of my day it is to be able to work without a dull throbbing headache.

WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY DID I LEARN TO FUCKING COOK ALREADY? MY BIG GIRL BADGE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING TO COOK BUT I ALREADY DID IT. I HATE EVERYONE.

ESPECIALLY YOU.

Why are you hurting me like this?

Is there even a good reason to give up caffeine? Drinking coffee is supposed to stop you from developing Alzheimer’s. I guess all the writers – and it was all of them – who suggested I do this want me to get Alzheimer’s and die. I’d say that I’d appreciate input on why it would be good to give up caffeine, but I’d also appreciate input on how to kill them.

But not hard ways, I’m really feeble and my head hurts. Poison would be a good way, but I would have trouble lifting my arms if poison was on high shelves.

I can feel the taste of Diet Coke wash over my tongue like a phantom limb.

I think maybe Ashley suggested this so she could usurp me.

I expect hallucinations to set in, soon. You know. Like they did in the Hunger Games. But this is The Thirsty Games.

Do you have any suggestions on how to make this more endurable? Don’t say “drink tea.” I am allergic to tea. Maybe I could just drink bourbon until I passed out. Then this living nightmare would be over.

It all hurts. Everything hurts. I’m going to do quick-links over the week to keep you updated and maybe keep me on track.

It hurts to type.

I hate you.

Help.