cara's turkey hat

How do you spend your Christmas holiday when both you and your sister are famous models? If you’re Poppy and Cara Delevingne, you try to create the weirdest video in the history of the internet. It’s possible that they succeeded.

I can’t begin to make sense of “CARA’S SPEECH,” but I can give you a play-by-play. We open on a shot of Cara, wearing what appears to be a sexy Santa costume with a belly cutout surrounded in faux fur, delivering a barely-audible message of good tidings before cracking a whip on a… ceramic pig.

cara in the unicorn suit

Next, we see Cara stretched out in a unicorn onesie, using one arm to lift a dumbbell and the other to caress an industrial-sized box of Nerds. Poppy inexplicably makes airplane/bomb sound effects in the background.

i'm so confused

Cut to Cara in a leopard print coat, masquerade mask, and a… squirrel hat… wielding what appears to be a real sword. “Merry Christmas, everybody,” she says before chugging something out of a bottle.

Now there’s an interlude of photos of the model with different items on her head, including a plush turkey hat, and a clip of her rubbing bacon-flavored lip balm in rapid circles around her mouth.

those balloon things

“Get your greens in,” Cara advises us. She then proceeds to play with those unpoppable balloon toys– the ones you blow with a straw– that they used to advertise on Nickelodeon. Do you know what I’m talking about? Those things. A brief strip tease happens next, followed by some growling noises and more of those balloon things, some vaguely sexual activity towards the ceramic pig, and that’s as far as I can go. I have no idea what’s happening to me.

The Delevingnes are certainly hot enough and good enough at their jobs that they have no obligation to be normal, functioning human beings in their spare time, but this video makes my brain hurt. So, um, happy holidays?