Look, I was raving in the office about how much I hate Paz de la Huerta, and people were like “you should write about that! We love hate!” and I was all “no, no, I probably just hate her Boardwalk Empire character, who is a villain anyway, so it’s not fair to hate her. What if she reads here and is offended? I believe irrational things about our readership. That would be awful. I’ll look up some articles about her that will really make me like her a whole boat-ton.”
So, I did, and Jesus Christ, Paz de la Huerta may not be a terrible person, but everything written about her is REALLY making me hate her.
Look, first off, she’s not helping her case that I can hardly find a picture of her with enough clothes on to post on the homepage without freaking out the advertisers. I would like to point out that I’m in favor of nudity. Really. And you know, semi-gratuitous nudity at that. I thought it was the lamest thing in the world that SJP never got naked on Sex and the City when every single other actress on the show did (and the show had Sex right there in the title). But good lord, woman, does this need to be your whole shtick? Could we have one episode of Boardwalk Empire where you appear for longer than 30 seconds and keep your clothes on? Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I forgot that you are a sexual being. Huh.
Well, to be fair, that really could be the director’s fault, you know? And, umm, your body looks great Paz (I am trying so hard not to hate you). And maybe I am just jealous of your sexual beingness. But then you come up with lines like this in the New York Magazine piece:
It’s a Sunday afternoon, and Paz, exhausted from filming the upcoming HBO series Boardwalk Empire, has decided to spend a few hours at a bathhouse on Fulton Street. “I needed this,” she says, exhaling a deep whistle, expelling the weight of the world from her lungs. “This construction worker I’ve been fucking has really been keeping me up late.”
You know what I spent last night doing Paz de la Huerta? A PUZZLE. Which is completely reasonable information to share with an interviewer. Talking about the construction working you’re doing while sitting in a Russian Bath is not. This is just… deliberately provocative in a way that makes me cringe. And honestly? Fuck you for pointing out “ooh, he’s a construction worker” as though that somehow makes you down with people. It doesn’t, Paz, it doesn’t because:
she continues to knead her breasts while loudly discussing her most recent romance. “I think I’m attracted to outlaws because they make me feel safe inside, like a little child.” She drifts into Carmen—“L’amour est un oiseau rebelle, que nul ne peut apprivoiser”—and then translates for her audience, “Love is a wild bird that doesn’t obey the law.”
Are you kidding me? Are you somehow parodying how a hilariously pretentious bint would act on an interview? IS THIS JAMES FRANCO-ESQUE PERFROMANCE ART? Because otherwise, I do not understand how you sat around – on an interview for New York Magazine – kneading your breasts while saying randomly selected words that make no sense and quoting maybe, the most obvious line from an opera in the history of the world, and then translating for your audience. Because, oh, sure, no one else speaks French.
Oh, God, I hate you, Paz de la Huerta. I hate you. Hateyouhateyouhateyou. Wait. Let’s just let this hate flow free. Let’s let it go like a wild bird that doesn’t obey the law.
Paz fills a plastic bucket and pours it over her head, the ice-cold water splashing a woman nearby. She fixates on the bulldog’s transparent trunks and begins to laugh hysterically. “Why does cold water always do that!” she shouts to no one in particular, pointing to the bulge in his shorts. The bulldog, who is covered from head to toe in tattoos, looks at her sheepishly as his comrades laugh. “What are you, crazy?”
Paz becomes very serious. “No,” she says. “I’m Paz. It means peace. Get it, got it, good.”
WHO ARE YOU, WOMAN!? WHO DOES CRAZY SHIT IN PUBLIC AND THEN BECOMES BIZARRELY DEFENSIVE? WHO USES THEIR OWN NAME AS A RESPONSE TO INDICTMENTS OF THEIR CRAZY BEHAVIOR OTHER THAN CHUCK BASS?
Whew, sorry, wow, that hate was really flying with an extreme sense of liberation for a minute there. I’m going to reel it in as I would a bass.
Okay. That’s over now. Paz out, everyone.