Another year, another “Makeup Inspired By” something I find amusing, amazing and/or oddly appealing. Today, the topic is inspired by Lifetime‘s new show Kim of Queens, which follows former Miss Georgia Kim Gravel as she scouts new talent for the child beauty pageant circuit and attempts to, uh, refine girls considered less-than-conventionally pageant-worthy. Because young women don’t have nearly enough self-esteem issues, we need to make sure that they not only feel judged on their attractiveness, they feel initially unworthy of even being judged at all!
Logic. Also, Lifetime.
Anyway, I decided I might as well do some weird makeup you might find at a child beauty pageant this week in honor of Kim of Queens, Toddlers & Tiaras, Dance Moms and every other show that ensures we continue glorifying the practice of parading little girls in front of grown ass adults who then rate them and pretend it’s mostly based on personality.
Just to be clear, I’m making fun of the ridiculousness of beauty pageants–especially ones involving kids–in this tutorial, not the kids themselves. I’m all about little kids trying out makeup and fooling around with their hair and playing dress up. As a kid, I absolutely loved when my mom would let me use her clear Mary Kay lip gloss and make hilariously tight curls using heated rollers; it was goofy and fun and for my own enjoyment. I just don’t particularly enjoy the idea of so many kids being pushed into getting judged based on criteria involving their looks.
So, let’s get started, shall we?
Step 0: Start fresh and clean. Your skin will not enjoy what you’re about to do to it, so it’s probably in your best interest to not piss it off prior to applying your foundation paste.
Step 1: Foundation paste time! Okay, the foundation itself isn’t really the paste; it’s the way you’ll be applying it that will make the difference. Usually, I recommend applying foundation and concealer only in the places you want to even out–blemishes, uneven spots, etcetera–to avoid clogging your pores unnecessarily and to keep your makeup looking more natural.
This time, however, you should be going for an as-fake-as-possible look (let’s just call that “AFAP”). Apply foundation all over. All over. It’s okay if it’s not perfectly in your skin tone; you need to look borderline plastic. Scratch that–look straight-up plastic. Remember the little Kelly doll that was just Barbie’s mini-me? This is your role model now.
Step 2: Bronzer and blush! Looking for a natural glow? LOLnah, you need to look like you’re competing with Santa for the Rosiest Of Them All title. Sweep a bunch of matte bronzer like Too Faced Bronzed & Poreless Pore Perfecting Bronzer underneath your cheekbones.
Then, apply some obnoxiously pink blush like Tarte‘s in Lighthearted. Focus on the apples of your cheeks with the blush; you want to look like you’re simultaneously embarrassed and very, very chilly. However much blush you think you should put on, put on like 3 layers more.
Step 3: Now for your eyes! Blending particularly well is overrated, so just gratuitously apply eyeshadow all over your lids, sweeping it outward. I used a pale pink frosty shadow from Tarte called Steph’s Pearls, then added another pink frosty shadow using CoverGirl Flamed Out Shadow Pencil in Hot-Pink Flame. I then took two darker frosty shadows, Tarte‘s Jess’ Storybook and Bordeaux, and applied them in the crease.
Step 4: Make your eyes look unnaturally enormous using too much on top, then a thick line halfway across the bottom. In elementary school musicals, they tell you this will make your eyes look larger; in reality, you will look ridiculous. I picked an aqua green, Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil in Mainline, because black is just boring. Then, apply entirely too many coats of black mascara (I picked Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes!).
I also drew on my eyebrows all sorts of thick.
Step 5: Apply frosted lipstick (in this case, I used CoverGirl Flamed Out Shadow Pencil in Red-Hot Flame) in an exaggerated fashion. It’s almost like you don’t have lips, so a 4-year-old painted them on for you the way she saw in her Muppet coloring book.
Step 6: Add highlighter, like Napoleon Perdis Auto Pilot Radiance-Boosting Primer, on cheekbones, under brow bones, on the Cupid’s Bow and on the bridge of the nose. It’s like stage lights are coming out of your f’ing face.
And voila! So much makeup. All over.
After washing my hair, I spritzed White Sands UnderCover Styling Spray all over, then used a little bit of Redken Diamond Hair Oil Treatment on my ends. I curled my hair using a curling wand (specifically, the really cheap Conair kind from Duane Reade). I brushed out the curls and swept them to the side, then made a stupid face with my dimples.
Naturally, I went glittery. I know what you’re thinking–glitter is kind of the devil.
I did not go so glittery that it will rub off on my keyboard and I’ll be miserable for months to come, but enough that it looks like I dipped my fingers in fairy dust. I picked Morgan Taylor Professional Nail Lacquer in Mint Chocolate Chip (i.e. the best, most appealing color/flavor ever), painting on two coats per nail. Then I used Jesse’s Girl JulieG Textured Nail Color in Silver along the tips. I’ve always had fairly shaky hands, so I’m certain the rest of you could’ve done this better than I, but then again, if an 8-year-old were trying to do this for herself, it would probably come out approximately the same as mine.
I tried my best to replicate those awkwardly vacant expressions kids are made up, coached, and photoshopped into having for their head shots, but I think it just came off as…awkward.
But this is my true pageant face…