chobani yogurt soho cafe

There are a lot of things that terrify me about living in the modern age. Global warming. The ever present threat of nuclear apocalypse. Government officials thinking that the female uterus can shut down rape presumably by witchcraft or “being sassy”. Toilet snakes.

But one of the things that makes me think “thank God I was born to this age, this most glorious age” is the Chobani Soho Cafe.

Unfortunately, this means there is nothing left but for me to challenge Katie J.M. Baker to a duel. I expected her piece “New Fancy Yogurt Cafe Makes Me Feel So Many Things”  to be just, I don’t know, words, like “flower” and “joy” and happy gurgling noises and her favorite letter typed over and over, because the Chobani Soho Cafe inspires such delight that it becomes hard to type. I would have understood that.

Do you know how the Chobani Soho Cafe makes me feel? Like this guy.

Holding the world in my hands, and laughing, and happy. But, with a smaller belly, because Chobani is fairly low calorie and generally high in protein. But still delicious! Seriously. Look at how lovely their flavors are:

Lovely. That’s how lovely they are.

Katie clearly did not agree. She writes:

I feel angry: $4.25 for a bowl of bacterial fermentation? Tourists who, according to the Post, are stopping by the shop four times within two days? For god’s sake, traveler, get yourself a bagel!

Wait. Wait. $4.25? $4.25 is probably the cheapest filling, delicious, artfully hand-crafted breakfast you can get in New York. And surely we can agree that this is a much more interesting breakfast than a bagel (that’s not to insult bagels. Ashley has spent years convincing me that they’re a miracle hangover cure, and they are). But seriously – you are eating Greek yogurt with figs with honey. It was crafted specifically for you, and you purchased it casually for less than you’d pay for a large coffee at Starbucks. You live in a way that would only have been accessible to the .5% in any other era. You live like some kind of 15th century pasha. I’m sorry there is no harem boy to spoon feed this to you (no, really, I’m actually sorry about that).

Also, if you take it to go, they give it to you in this little glass container (all covered up with tissue paper so you feel like you’re in some 1940’s French movie carrying food to your grandmother) and you can re-use the container as a flower pot. Or something.

I feel afraid: It’s only a matter of time before men, influenced by the pervasive notion that ladies practically orgasm upon the sight of the tangy white stuff, start asking women out on dates to the fancy yogurt store.

I kind of wish they would. Look, if you are someone who nervously watches your weight, out on dates you’re constantly trying to strike a balance between seeming like a fun and spontaneous eater (because every ladymag has made it clear that you are supposedly to be whimsically ordering double scoops of ice cream) and maintaining whatever dietary plan you’ve laid out for yourself. Having people announce “let’s go get donuts/ice cream/other post-movie snack place” can be a little awkward, because you’re not going to say “actually, I would rather eat a green salad, or perhaps a fruit cup”. But Chobani is both delicious and fun seeming (in this cafe incarnation) and really good for you. Lets look at the yogurt’s nutritional profile:

One 6 ounce serving of Chobani vanilla yogurt has 120 calories, 13 grams of carbs, and 13 grams of sugar. It also has a whopping 16 grams of whey protein. That means it has a great balance of protein and carbs in it that will keep your blood sugar levels in check. It’s also gluten free.

That is… awesome. It is awesome that there is a place where you can get food that is good for you that is not going to make you seem boring.

I feel confused: I mean, I regularly pay $4+ bucks for coffee and gourmet ice cream. Is yogurt any different? No one ever said Chobani was the food of the hoi polloi.

It’s hoi polloi. Not “the hoi polloi.” The “hoi” means “the.” YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE A $4 ICE CREAM FOR YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR ANCIENT GREEK CLASS.

I feel inspired: If this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I can totally start a gourmet cereal shop! Or a gourmet toast shop! A gourmet microwave popcorn shop?

I would probably patronize a gourmet toast shop. Would you put honey one some kinds of toasts? What sort of toasts would there be? Could there be special mixes, like french toast with chocolate and pistachios? Maybe strawberries, too. We should do a strawberry stuffed french toast with mascarpone, because I would pay more than $4.25 for that. In conclusion, I will invest in your toast shop, and I will handle any Ancient Greek slogans you may need. Let’s take this thing to Kickstarter.

I feel…hungry? Some of these “yogurt creations” sound delicious, particularly the cucumber one: creamy plain chobani, fresh cucumber, and sea salt, sprinkled with fresh mint and served with pita chips. Fuck.

YES. That is correct. Good talk.We can postpone our duel until after yogurt time.


Pics via Chobani Soho Cafe