Dita Von Teese hits up Coachella. Image via WENN.

Today in Los Angeles, many a music aficionado straggles back home from Coachella, dirty, sunburned and more of a hippie. Anyone with a Facebook account has likely seen the pictures of them with wigs, rocking out hard, or brazenly wearing nothing but a bikini top and shorts.

As for me, I’ve never been a tent gal, and I’ve never been much of a music festival gal either (and my fiance went through a jam band phase, so don’t tell me I never tried). And you know, I’ve been to Burningman, and while it was great and trippy and magical and beautiful, I still got heatstroke. So I’d like to share with you the other side of Coachella, the side in which you do not go and do not regret it. The side in which you happily count all the reasons that you’re really glad to be getting a nice mani/pedi rather than suffering through a weekend in the desert (I’m a Jew – my people have done enough of that already) such as…

Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Go To Coachella

1. I’m not washing dirt out of my vagina right now.

2. I’m not sunburned and so am not now anxiously staring at the mole on my left arm to see if it’s developed into Stage 2 melanoma.

3. Some of my more honest friends posted pictures of the 5-mile traffic jam on the way in. ‘Nuff said.

4. The Pavement reunion, while no doubt riveting, probably also served as a reminder to at least half of Coachella attendees that our coming-of-age years are now back in style as “retro.”

5. Plan B is expensive.

6. I could swear that traffic was lighter in the city this weekend.

7. According to the LA Times: “84 people have been transported from Coachella to the hospital this year. That includes drug overdoses, a broken neck, a private security officer who fell off his horse and a naked man under the influence of “unknown substances” who smashed out the windows of parked cars with his head before he was tasered by police.”

8. Also according to the LA Times [same link as above]: “A typical set-up: [A] tricked-out Volkswagen camper van (with an attached tent housing a Persian rug and pillows).”

9. There are only so many pairs of heart-shaped Lolita sunglasses that I can stand to look at before I slap them off someone’s face.

10. I’m not your bro.

At any rate, if you did go to Coachella, I’m sure you had a soaring good time and are only now coming down off your high, and that’s great. But as for me, I have once again enjoyed the temperature-controlled environment of my home, the reliably smog-filled air of Los Angeles, and the shower.