jennifer wright

We just got an e-mail from The Patrick Melville Salon offering us a free cut and color. Look. If I were to have a life motto, it would probably be “sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.” If I were to have a life motto that was in English and not pretend Latin it would probably be “take all the free stuff you are offered.” So, it’s pretty hard for me to turn down an offer to have my hair professionally dyed. Especially since Patrick Melville works with Catherine Zeta Jones, and Brooke Shields, and tons of other good hair people.

But I’ve never dyed my hair! And the idea kind of scares me! My normal, human colored hair is pictured above. The fascinator I am wearing is not part of my hair. It is part of my soul.

Now. If I were to dye it: which color?

Black: I think this would actually look pretty good, and be close to my natural brown color, and work with my coloring. I’m also terrified it could tip too far into Wednesday Addam’s territory. I mean, it definitely would, right? Would I have to start listening to chamber music and move from midtown to a non-metaphorically haunted house (we all live in metaphorically haunted houses)? Would that be fun? Can apartments be haunted? Beetlejuice is a good movie that Winona Ryder looks really great in.

Red: Look, ever since watching The Philadelphia Story one of my lifelong dreams is to be referred to as “Red.” I just feel like it is the best possible nickname you could have as a woman. I also wish my first husband were C.K. Dexter Haven, but, you know, without the abusive drinking parts? I feel like we’re getting sidetracked on this.

Blonde: I really want to go blonde. So much. But I’d never be able to handle the touch-ups! OR WOULD I? Have you dyed your hair blonde? Is it great? Is it like, everything Anita Loos says it will be? I bet it is!

Grey-Purple: Look. This.

This is essentially my dream hair color, and I cannot see it without thinking of 18th century French aristocrats and the witch in the illustrated version of Into The Woods that I had as a child. I love this hair color. But it would also require changing my entire life. I would have to enjoy really different music and dress differently and kind of adopt this cool, tough-talking streetwise person, and oh, God, thinking about that makes me want to lock myself in my room with a bunch of Gene Tierney movies for about a week. And seriously, pretty much all my childhood friends work in finance, and just the thought of showing up anywhere with them with this hair color is seriously stressing me out.

But I think grey/purple hair is so cool it kills me. It kills me. Jesus. I’m also 26. I work in an office. The time for grey-purple passed ten years ago. And yet, still we dream.