Cosmo never fails to surprise: they recently filed on the subject of ways to decorate one’s vagina and, in typical Cosmo fashion, slipped in a few reasons to hate yourself amid all the stuff you can’t believe is happening. In addition to, of course, outright lies (“I once had a Qantas pilot ask me to wax his wife’s pubes into a ‘runway’ and place Swarovski crystals down either side of the strip, so her vagina resembled a runway,” SJ said. “She could then ‘wave him in’ after his long haul flights.”). Fuck everything.

For example, you can buy vagina brighteners:

Labia not as pink as you want it to be? Get some blush!

“Some women are putting makeup on their labia to make it seem rosier and brighter,” Polly said. She recommends using My Pink Button for a temporary fix.

And what if you want something a little more permanent? Tom Nardone from said they added a labia-bleaching cream to their lineup because so many customers asked for it.

No. No. No. No. No.

Your labia are never not pink enough. Certainly not pink enough to be a grown ass woman purchasing a product called My Pink Button.

Also, don’t put bleach on your vulva! When you step back and think about it, doesn’t that sound purely horrible? Here’s a cheaper and safer way to fix the problem: don’t fuck people who think your vagina isn’t iridescent enough.

But it gets worse! We are talking about Cosmo here:

We’re all familiar with getting things pierced down there, but Cherie Corso, co-creator of g2organics, says some women are opting for various implants to enhance their vaginas.

“Women are putting stones under the skin to give it more texture,” she said, adding that some opt to add crystals for “extra energy.”

Some women are opting to have crystal implants embedded in their vaginas for more texture? First of all, no women are opting for this. Second of all, the only texture imparted by vagina crystals would be unpleasantness. Not touching that bit about extra energy, because it is hippie bullshit.

Thankfully, NYMag did some due diligence and confirmed that, indeed, no one is doing this:

Not to be confused with the comparatively noninvasive vajazzling, these are stones put under the skin to “give it more texture,” including “crystals” for “extra energy.”After two hours of alternately Googling and cringing, we can safely report that women are largely not opting for this adornment. There exists an obscure form of extreme body mutilation called genital “beading” or “pearling” — don’t Google it — that basically gives the penis a permanent ribbed condom. But that’s mostly associated with the Japanese mafia, intravenous drug users, prison populations, and men. Not exactly Cosmo’s target demographic.

Please, all women who don’t immediately scoff at vaginal rejuvenation surgery, please stop. The only time anyone should be embarrassed of her vagina is if she pays someone money to surgically implant crystals inside it. You can do better.