I don’t mind admitting that I’ve spent more time than could really be considered healthy ogling nail porn. Sometimes, after I’ve recovered from a four-hour binge on the laquerista subreddit, I might even attempt to replicate some of the disgustingly adorable or classy-as-hell nail art that I’ve seen. This will typically result in my left hand looking at least halfway decent and my right hand looking like OPI vomit.
Long ago I realized that I had the hand-eye coordination of a rabid lemur with a worrying Quaalude addiction and had to accept that if I wanted cute nails, it just couldn’t be a DIY endeavor. I’m also not one to take huge risks, so even though I might lust after awesome stained glass or galaxy swirl nails, I usually just end up asking the manicurist to paint my nails greige before calling it a day. Even so, my inner nail freak loves to peruse all of the crazy creative stuff other people are doing. Which is how I found cuticle tattoos, which are a thing that I had no idea existed.
Yes, I realize I’m a little late to the party. Probably because I’ve been limiting my gawking to actual nails as opposed to “the often dry and unsightly skin that covers the base of each fingernail.” How foolish of me.
If you’re behind the times like me then you should know that there are three main places to obtain cuticle tattoos at this point. You could get them from Rad Nails, if you’re edgy Or Ciate, whose take is pictured above, if you don’t mind that Ciate totally jocked the idea from Rad Nails, presumable after sleeping with Rad Nails’ boyfriend or something.
Or–and let’s just be honest–you could draw some on with a ballpoint pen because essentially, that’s what we’re looking at here, right?
It reminds me of something I probably would have done while I was sitting in detention out of sheer boredom and because my teacher told me not to. I mean, do they really think we’re so dumb that they can package temporary tattoos, slap “Cuticletastic!” on the front, and watch the money roll in?
Probably, which is why it pains me to admit that I don’t hate cuticle tattoos. I want to. Everyone I’ve asked today hates cuticle tattoos. Of course, that’s not to say that I’ll be running out to Sephora later to grab what are essentially overpriced novelty nail stickers. Even so, I do think Ciate’s little bows are just a tiny bit adorable, and I’m pretty much a sucker for geometric skin art, wherever you want to stick it. Some of the available options are a bit too much for me, like these strange…gooey…things.
I mean, a large part of me is aware that this is the adult variant of joining the PEN15 club, and that from afar your cuticle tattoos will probably just look like a gangrenous patch of skin, no matter how much time you put into marbling the lacquers in your manicure. But still, I’m having difficulty properly mocking them, because I’m sure someone, somewhere can pull them off.
New York Daily News predicts that these will “take off in a big way this summer.” I don’t know if I’d go that far, but if that turns out to be true, I probably won’t have any trouble hating them by the time September rolls around.