Don’t ask me why, but ever since our intern, Stephanie, from last summer introduced me to national food holidays, I like to pop over to the website from time to time and see if I’m missing anything important. Or, to be more blunt, if I can use a “holiday” to over-indulge in some food that I should be staying away from; you know, because fashion magazines tell me I’m supposed to skinny.

As a means to procrastinate, I popped on the site today to see if I could possibly justify eating a whole chocolate cake for dinner. According the site, it’s National Hazelnut Cake Day (no, that’s not what I want for dinner), and the month of June is National Dairy Month, National Turkey Lover’s Month and a few others that I will not list, because honestly, it’s fucking weird. At least when Stephanie was around it made sense, because she loved to cook and national food days that revolved around baked goods resulted in me getting goodies from her. But then Stephanie did this selfish thing that involved her going back to school at the end of the summer and depriving me of her culinary talent, so now these holidays are a bust.

My question, after all this babbling, is: does anyone religiously celebrate any of these holidays? I like to imagine there’s someone down south who has a calendar of them all and crosses off each day as they go — or is that wishful thinking? In my head, the entire south is pretty much Fried Green Tomatoes on repeat. Which, by the way, I’ve yet to try. Where the hell is Stephanie when you need her?