Los Angeles premiere of Columbia Pictures' 'Zero Dark Thirty' at Dolby Theatre - Arrivals

The time has come for Anna Faris to reveal the secrets to her post-baby body to the Body Council; if her answers prove satisfactory to the elders she will be allowed to live and her infant shall be returned to her. If they do not, of course, she will be put out to pasture in the Ingenue Fields and her child will be consecrated at the Temple in the midwinter diet rites.

Past answers that have won favor with the Council include “Oh, it’s amazing how many calories you burn by breastfeeding,” “Just chasing my kids around! They move so fast,” and “Picking up my son is like doing bicep curls every five minutes.”

Celebrities who have recently given birth may also choose to invoke the protection of Jenny Craig or a specific personal trainer, although the risks in doing so are greater. Some actresses have been kept within the council chambers for weeks at a time, forced to write down everything they’ve eaten since giving birth in the Necronomicon in the cursed script of Mu. They traverse choked and stinking wastelands, they carry thimbles of clear water over black pyramids, they sacrifice their immortal souls to find the pre-baby bodies that were stolen from them by vengeful spirits.

Fewer than 25% of celebrities who attempt to recover their pre-baby bodies return alive; those who do make it back are often heavier than when they left and are immediately executed by the Council.

Our prayers also go out to Drew Barrymore, who will be facing the Council next month.

[Image via Wenn]