red wine

Red wine can definitely fight the effects of aging.

Red wine will clear up your acne, but it will replace the acne with migraines.

Red wine will enable you to “have it all” but it will give your children autism. If your children already have autism, it will give them a peanut allergy. If your children already have a peanut allergy, it will turn them into human-sized dragonflies.

Red wine is the winning taste in the 2013 Do Us a Flavor Lay’s Potato Chip flavor contest.

Red wine will give you Alzheimer’s, but it will also cure Parkinson’s if you have it, so there is that.

Red wine could get Enlightened renewed if it wanted to, but privately thinks Laura Dern is kind of overrated.

Red wine secretly believes it does not pair that well with food; everyone has just always said that about red wine and red wine wasn’t really sure how to disagree politely so red wine just kind of let it go but now it’s this whole thing, you know?

If you drink the right bottle of red wine, you will feel good about your body. The right bottle is different for everyone; there’s no guarantee that drinking lots of red wine makes you any likelier to find it, but if you do, you’ll feel completely satisfied about your appearance until the day you die.

Red wine is the same as white wine but we are not yet self-actualized enough to see it.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]