Or pilates bun, as I like to call it.

See, I go to pilates 2 times a week. I go to a studio called Physique 57 where there are a lot of women who go 6 times a week. They all look like they are about to star as the sexy-but-tough lead in action movies. I like to believe that their ripped physiques are not just because of sample sales. I like to believe it’s because they are pretty worried about an apocalyptic future, and are readying themselves accordingly. If they are, maybe when it happens they will remember me, and carry me on their backs to a fresh water source, and a supply of twinkies. Like I’m an adorable marmoset.

What I’m getting at is, I’m pretty bad at pilates. Partly because many of the other women are really good at it, partly because I spend the whole time fantasizing about this stuff. The only thing I’m able to fall back on is my hair looking interesting. It’s all I’ve got.

And now, I give it to you. Here is how to get some nice hair for pilates. One day, in a future we prayed would never be, you’ll be able to barter the secret for bottled water.

Step 1: Get basic utensils. Like these:

hairbrush hairpins hair tie

1) A hairbrush. Or a comb. We’ll assume you already have a brush, but if not, you can buy one here for $6.

2) About 10 bobby pins, in a shade that matches your hair color. If your hair is both blonde and brunette, I guess this would be a good set for $13

3) Hair elastics in your natural hair color. These ones work, and they’re available for $4

Step 2 for extra-cool people who are neurotic about their foreheads because they have positively enormous brains.

Okay, then. Welcome to the club. This is going to sound a little odd, but I feel like pulling my hair right back into a ponytail makes my forehead look weird. So I tease my hair a little bit towards the base before I form it into a ponytail. I know that seems like something only heiresses did in 1985, but it means that the hair doesn’t pull across my forehead quite as harshly. If you feel like doing this, grab your hair halfway down. Take a brush and brush the part above your hand upwards, wile still gripping it in place. It will look really fluffy and have added volume. You will probably want to brush it down gently afterwards, so it looks smooth, but still voluminous. Here’s what teasing hair looks likes. Also, hi. Welcome to the office. We have a water cooler! That’s a temporary tattoo on my hand! I was at a party last night and someone said “may I put a temporary tattoo on your hand?” I said “yes, you may.” And then as they did it I panicked that it was one of things where people give you acid through your skin. It turns out it was not that.

tease hair

Step 3: Once you’ve done that, pull the front part of your hair back smoothly. If you teased it, it will be a little bit fluffy on the crown of your head. Like this.

Step 4: Pull all your hair up and make a ponytail as high up on your head as you can manage without the front being all funny. This is about as high as mine goes:

Step 4: Take the ponytail, and, with one hand, wrap it around the elastic in a circle. With the other hand, pick up your bobby pins, and pin the circle in place. You’re done now. It was actually pretty easy.

ballerina bun

Easier than the apocalypse is going to be, anyhow.