Look, I am not someone who is going to hate on Kelly LeBrock because she’s beautiful.
As a general rule, I like pretty women. I mean, I don’t like them just because they’re pretty – though actually, I probably held off on thinking Megan Fox was crazy longer than I would have if she weren’t so much fun to stare at. But I will happily compare the relative merits of Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson with my male friends (Angelina Jolie is clearly more beautiful, though Scarlett would probably be cooler to hang out with). I have a bunch of female friends that are, by any standards, really good looking.
Yeah, I don’t hate on women because they’re beautiful.
Until, apparently, I do.
I was walking into my apartment last night. I was feeling good! I looked cute! I was actually having a little self-satisfied moment thinking about how I looked cute that day. And then the most beautiful woman in the history of the world walked out of my building. I think she may actually have been that girl who plays the bitchy girl on 90210.
She looked kind of smug (in reality, she was probably not even remotely smug. She was probably off to spend time with her aging grandmother before working at homeless shelter). And as I walked in, I got to listen to the group of guys in the lobby talk about how maybe she lives in the building. And how maybe she is a Victoria’s Secret model.
I realized that not only was I not as beautiful as that woman, there was no amount of plastic surgery that could ever make me as beautiful as that woman.
And my first thought was “fuck you, bitch, I hate you.”
I felt guilty about it about five seconds later. It seems like a stupid, pre-feminist cliche to hate someone because they’re prettier than you are. I’d probably like her if I met her! And umm, sisterhood, or something like that! And it is stupid. More stupid, say, than hating someone because they’re smarter than you, or richer than you, because those things will last while beauty fades for everyone. Except the woman who lives in my building. She’ll probably be one of those old people models. Bitch.
I checked in with females around the office. They can pretty much all think of at least one woman they hate because she’s beautiful. I checked in with males. They remark that they assume that if a man is better looking than them, then it’s cool, because they’re probably more charming (no, they weren’t joking). Furthermore, that as a man you want to hang out with good looking guys, because they’ll help you get girls. To be fair, that’s definitely not the case when you’re going out with women, because most men will probably angle for your more attractive friend.
Still, it’s probably something that, as women we should have evolved past. Or at least be confident enough not to jump to a “bitch, I hate you” place. I mean, I think Dove taught me that all women are beautiful, provided we’re all dancing around in our underwear and have flawless skin, right? Still, a little part of me is going to hope that, like Kelly LeBrock, that model in my building ends up with hopelessly outdated hair in her old age. At least until I actually meet her and she turns out to be a nice person.