I keep reading about Kate Middleton’s wedding diet. If you’re not reading every British tabloid ever (you’re missing out) she’s gone from being “Waity Katie” to “Weighty Katie” and it’s seemingly imperative that she shed those extra pounds before the wedding. Now, admittedly, her diet sounds like it involves bags of sweets, isn’t that awful. But then, periodically, I see a picture of her in a bikini and cast my hands heavenward and wonder “how? Where is she going to lose the weight from? She has a six pack already.”

And furthermore, no, I don’t think her fit physique is some new thing that just happened recently. I don’t think that because I’ve seen pictures of her before. Here! This one! She was always slim. She always looked pretty great. She met Prince William while modeling some absurd lingerie dress.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole “Kate Middelton’s wedding diet” thing is just some elaborate ploy to make her seem like a “typical bride” rather than a “bride whose fiance built her a gym so she wouldn’t have to go outside and be photographed.” Because, yes, many brides do try to lose some weight before their big day, but many brides do not meet their fiances modeling lingerie. Or look like that in a bikini. The whole diet thing – it just seems unnecessary. Hugely unnecessary. Hugely. Like Kate Middleton’s thighs (joking).

But sometimes I see things wrong, because my eyes are… not attached to my brain? Perhaps I am suffering from some sort of elaborate optical illusion where Kate Middelton is actually a heifer and Prince William is marrying her to be crazy and the royal family is in turmoil and it’s imperative that she drop the pounds quickly. I don’t know. Because I might literally be a blind person.