Has your baby failed to achieve socially acceptable levels of “that delicious newborn baby smell”? Has this led to feelings of inadequacy and shame for you young Persimmon? You need never worry about those things again with this exciting new baby perfume from Dolce & Gabbana!

Brought to you by the same creative geniuses behind these beautiful blackamoor earrings, this fragrance is inspired by “the softness of baby skin, the freshness of baby breath, a mother’s sweet hug, [and] the first smile,” with top notes of vomit and feces. It is meant to “enhance the tot’s natural smell.”

And what do tots “naturally” smell like? “Citrus, honey, and melon,” apparently. Additionally, the girl-specific one will smell like sugar, spice and everything nice, while the boys’ will be redolent of ships, sails, and puppy dog tails. Has anyone at Dolce and Gabbana ever been near a baby?

This exclusive scent “para bambini” will not come cheap, but $45 a bottle is really a small price to pay for the lifetime’s worth of confidence your child will get from knowing they smell better than the other babies. And isn’t that what life is all about?


Photo: Dolce and Gabbana