Man and boys drink soda

No, you fools! That’s death you’re drinking!!

Every couple of months we hear a story like this–someone only eats McDonald’s or Twizzlers or what have you for 15 years and, horror of horrors, their health is in shit condition. So what’s so special about today’s news–that a woman drank nothing but soda for 16 years and is now suffering heart problems?

…She’s not from the US or UK! She’s from Monaco! That’s a win for us!

We’ll call this spin on an evergreen tabloid tale a French twist*:

The woman, who lives in Monaco, a small country near southern France, was brought to a hospital after she fainted. A blood test showed she had severely low potassium levels. And a test of her heart’s electrical activity revealed she had a condition called long QT syndrome, which can cause erratic heart beats.

The woman did not have a family history of heart or hormone problems. But she told her doctors that, since the age of 15, she had not drunk any water — soda (specifically cola) was the only liquid she consumed. She drank about 2 liters (2 quarts) of cola daily, she said.

After abstaining from soda for just one week, the woman’s potassium levels and heart electrical activity returned to normal.

Jesus lady! Don’t do that!

While certain colleagues we won’t name are avowed Diet Coke/poison-that-tastes-like-metal fans, we have no taste for soda–we’re hoping to end up in the Daily Mail after our digestive track shatters from living off nothing but those tubs of Red Vines since puberty (Twizzlers are gross, sorry, we’re drawing a line in the sand).

*We are aware that Monaco is not France. For those of you upset by this, make that a “[principality-bordered-by] French [on-three-sides] Twist.” Sorry it has to be this way for you.

(Live Science)