The latest thing you should feel shameful and self-conscious about, ladies? YOUR EARLOBES.
At least according to the Daily Mail, which reports on earlobe rejuvenation treatments now being marketed to women. I’m actually surprised to see the Daily Mail taking such a distrustful tack on this. Usually, those guys are like “Something to make women feel worse about their bodies? WE HEART IT!” But I guess even they can’t get on board with treatments that “revolumise and restore your earlobes to give them a more youthful looking appearance.”
It sounds silly, but I admit I actually am self-conscious about my earlobes. I wrote about it a few years ago, but I have really big, stretched-out earring holes caused by heaving super stretchy skin and wearing huge ass earrings as a child. I’ve actually thought about getting my holes repaired. Right now, my holes are so stretched out, I can’t even wear posts, only dangly earrings. And the danglies look kinda precarious in there. Still, they’re not causing my pain or really affecting my life negatively, so I’m not running for an earlobe rejuvenation treatment anytime soon.
And despite the fact that I weirdly have a problem with my own earlobes, I still think the fact that the beauty industry has created treatments to combat a basically made-up problem is, frankly, ridiculous.
Too broke to fix your lobes in the office of a pricey, predatory spa or cosmetic surgeon? Here are some easy, cheap ways you can cover and/or fix your hideousness at home.
1. Wear earmuffs. All the time. Or just move to a cold place where it’s necessary to wear earmuffs all the time.
2. Strategically-placed flowers, a la Billie Holiday.
3. Van Gogh it! EAR BEGONE.
4. Cut off a tiny piece of Spanx and apply it oh-so-carefully, just to the tip.
5. Wear an eyepatch…on your ear!
6. Helmets. You can never be too safe.
7. Headphones. Not those pissy little Apple brand ones, either. BOSE headphones.
8. Just hold your phone to your ear all the time! Texting is for wimps.
9. A juice cleanse…right into the lobe.
10. Shoulder pads! They’ll distract from the ugliness on the ears.
11. Really big hair. Texas big. Alaska big. Jon Hamm big.
12. NO HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Don’t accentuate your faults, dears.