So, it’s late January. As such, one’s dedication to one’s New Year’s resolution has begun to waver. You see the herds thinning at the gym, the extra straws at the juice counter. People are losing their resolve. Their meat/dairy/gluten-banning, raw-food hoovering, high protein, low glycemic and all around extreme diets have turned out to be… unrealistic.

That’s why I’ve decided to step in and help!

As a lady blogger, I owe it to the world to help my fellow ladies stick to their New Year’s resolutions and actually lose weight. That’s why I’ve put together this fantastically simple, easy-to-follow Illustrated Guide. I’ll show you the steps it takes to really commit… in order to see real results.

Hear that? Actual weight loss. Finally.


New Years Resolutions0

Throw out all of your food. Don’t donate it to a food bank or anything; you don’t want to undermine some poor person’s New Year’s resolution.

New Years Resolutions

Next, cut out your tongue. Who needs that pesky hotbed of tastebuds anyway? The tongue is a diet’s number one saboteur.

New Years Resolutions

Once the bleeding has stopped, find your town or city’s food supply and raze it to the ground.

Don’t forget to sow the fields with salt…

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If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

New Years Resolutions

If struck by a snacking urge, resist the temptation of sugary and fatty treats with autocannibalism. How could it have calories if it’s already part of you?

Fight cravings with logic.

New Years Resolutions

When finally unable to subsist on your own snacking parts, feed only on dog meat in the dead of night.

New Years Resolutions

While diet equipment can get expensive–blenders, juicers, blow–one perpetually sound investment is a buzz saw. By removing your hands–or, what’s left of them after all that autocannibalism–you make yourself virtually incapable of mindless snacking (often the downfall of even the most dedicated dieters).

New Years Resolutions

Find a chic replacement for your hands, like these on-trend metal hooks.

New Years Resolutions

Finally, enjoy a healthy and delicious kebab with fresh veggies and lean protein. You deserve it!

New Years Resolutions

Finally, when bikini season comes around, always remember that the secret to real beauty is confidence.