flags

I admit that really, it’s just my personal preference that you don’t engage in these horrible beauty and fashion Fourth of July rituals that everyone seems to engage in. But please, for me, for me, do not do these things.

  • You must not put sparkly red white and blue glitter on your face. I know it is supposed to look both sexy and American, but it always makes me think that you look like an extra who escaped from some movie about a terrifying future dystopia. You probably think I mean The Hunger Games, but I actually mean Logan’s Run.
  • Please do not wear earrings shaped like flags. I always see them and think “those are going to get caught on something, and tear your patriotic little ear right off.”
  • WHAT ARE YOU DOING WEARING A COWBOY HAT IF YOU ARE NEITHER IN TEXAS NOR NAKED IN TIMES SQUARE?
  • In fact, honestly, just avoid wearing any kind of flag themed jewelry altogether. Think about it. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “That brooch made to look like the entire United States truly looks fantastic?” You haven’t dude. Seriously. You never will.
  • Daisy Duke shorts look good on a very, very small percentage of the population. Two thirds of that population are only “Jessica Simpson at a very specific period in time.”
  • Shirts and shorts made to look like flags can look pretty good. High heels made to look like flags almost never do.

Please, remember to be responsible and well dressed this holiday.

Picture via Getty