Licensing Expo 2013

In a recent interview with The Telegraph UK, noted skinny person Gwyneth Paltrow shares her “slimming secrets” on “how to create a lean body shape” by “eating the bare minimum needed to stay alive.” Whoops, did I just give her main one away?

Anyway, her tips are mostly your average “easier said than done” Gwyneth-isms, like “exercise every day,” “keep garden cut herbs wrapped in a moist towel in the kitchen fridge” and “detox by cutting out all pleasurable flavors from your diet, save for one glass of red wine a day and that naughty Saturday cigarette I’m so fond of discussing.” (I’m paraphrasing.) She also knows that weighing yourself can make you crazy, so she recommends measuring yourself instead. Um, okay.

But despite all her talk of detoxes and elimination diets, there’s one thing even Gwyneth won’t do again, and that’s (drumroll, please)…a fucking juice cleanse. She found the Master Cleanse particularly awful:

“I’ve done juice cleanses in the past, and in my twenties I did the Master Cleanse, which left me hallucinating after 10 days. Be aware: a juice detox can crash your metabolism and lead to future weight gain.”

What do you think Gwyneth hallucinated when she was doing the Master Cleanse? Sex with an açai berry? Whimsical elephants? A big, gluten-y loaf of French bread that had just come out of the oven? Anyway, of course she did, because I’m pretty sure all the pseudoscientific bullshit surrounding “detoxifying” fasts and cleanses is just an elaborate way to justify the fact that you are starving yourself. As in, not eating. As in, engaging in disordered behavior around food. Which is scary.

But if hallucinations are what you’re after, there are plenty of less dangerous ways to make that happen, like smoking PCP or hitting yourself over the head with a two-by-four. Just make sure there’s no refined sugar in the PCP, because that’s been well documented to make you bloated.

(Via Us Weekly)

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