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Hey women! The men of Great Britain have decided which Hollywood actresses are the least sexually desirable, so you had better listen up to learn who you shouldn’t look like if you ever want to bag a British man of your own.

Or more specifically, a British man who reads manly novelty gadget site MenKind, a desirable bunch, to be sure. The envelope, please! And the most repulsive Hollywood actresses are:

1. Kristen Stewart

2. Sarah Jessica Parker

3. Lindsay Lohan

4. Denise Richards

5. Kirsten Dunst

6. Mischa Barton

7. Hilary Swank

8. Lucy Liu

9. Tilda Swinton

10. Uma Thurman

What a bunch of hags, right? I am sure these successful and conventionally attractive women are all crying themselves to sleep at night, utterly devastated that the kinds of men who buy adult-sized jedi costumes do not find them sufficiently sexy.

But what was the rubric for these picky men, anyway? Writes a spokesman:

Our Oscars poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men – it’s shown that sexiness is far more than appearance. They were turned off by volatile and moody actresses as well as ice queens. And they don’t want to see unhealthily skinny starlets on the big screen.

Do you hear that, actresses? If you could just stop being so volatile, moody and frigid, you might have a shot with these guys. Obtain a prescription for benzos if need be. And might I suggest an apology blowjay?

And don’t even think about continuing to keep up with the societal standards of beauty that are a prerequisite for all of your jobs (and possibly your natural body types). You kill all the boners when you do that. I order you all to gain exactly 20 pounds and then stop.

In conclusion, I am angry at this poll for making me defend Lindsay Lohan from people who are even worse at life than her, and Kristen Stewart is a sullen little goddess.

(Via The Cut)

Photo: WENN