This person is in extraordinary pain right now.

If you look back over the past year or so and reflect, you may realize the tranquility you’ve felt had everything to do with recent memory being largely Heidi Montag-free. That’s because Montag and her breasts were recovering from their many trasparently press-baiting cosmetic procedures. However, we’re about to return to a dark time: the reality star tabloid cover head is planning to reenter the public stage. To prepare, she’s working out 14 hours a day. Or she’s a liar. One of those.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told US Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.”

Additionally, according to US, she’ll sustain these staggering levels of activity by “noshing on apples, cherries and salads to slim down.” Oh, cool.

This leads to so many questions: what does she do for the other ten hours a day*? Sleep in a bathtub full of ice? Moreover, does Heidi Montag understand how time works? Does she know what hours are