Us Weekly cover Loren Conrad

Remember Heidi Montag? We hadn’t thought about her in years, it seemed (or, at least, years in Internet time) until last week when we were rounding up celebrity sexy Halloween costumes. Fitting!

The former Hills star was once hugely famous for undergoing a series of dramatic plastic surgeries in 2010, in order to become an iconic bombshell or something (it was always unclear). She even had designs on a pop career but none of it materialized because people prefer their popstars to deny any plastic surgery. There was also the small matter of her music.

After a few years in relative obscurity, Montag (now Pratt) has decided to try her hand at magazine covers again–this time, by reversing her infamous procedures. In a bracing lack of self-awareness, she tells Us that she was “[tired of being] the Surgery Girl.”

After an operation in early October, Montag has revealed a new set of much smaller breasts–her old implants weighed “about three pounds each” and had started to cause neck and back problems. Now she’s doing all the attendant press.

Anyway, cutting through Montag’s attempt at a media onslaught, we learn a horrifying new detail from the story: before the downsizing, a specialist had told Montag those size-F implants were “bottoming out.” But what does that mean, you ask? Don’t ask:

“He told me they were falling through the bottom, and I got scared. It’s super-dangerous. They can fall through to your belly button!”

The unanimous response around the office to this terrifying news was, “That makes my breasts hurt.”

We don’t have access to the glossy new photos of Montag in Us Weekly, but a quick perusal of her Instagram reveals her post-procedure body, for those who are interested.

Finally, Montag declared to Us: “I’m the new, new, new Heidi!”