So, I went to the beach for the past few days, and now I’m red like a lobster. God, I’m in pain. It feels great! I’m going to be so pretty when this is over! No, I’m not, I’m going to be peeling like a reptile. A goddamn reptile. I make bad choices, huh? Like Lindsay’s daughter’s friends. Just let me lie to myself a little longer.

I looked like Wednesday Addams at the country club, okay? I had a lot of issues about who I was, and who I am, and whether or not I wanted to fit in, so I bought a Lily Pulitzer dress and then I lay out by the pool with no suntan lotion on for three hours. In many ways, my vacation would have been written by Bret Easton Ellis if he did a lot of Klonopin.

And I am a lobster now, ripe for considering. Afterward, I looked up a lot of facts about tanning, while sitting very erect at my computer, because I can’t move, because it hurts too much. Anyhow. If you want to get skin cancer, this is how you go about getting it in the most beautiful manner.

1) Exfoliate your skin. With a loofah! Or a sponge. Or sea salt. Rub something scratchy over it, anything. Your nails if you have to. Just give it a good scratching.

2) Moisturize. It will cover up all the nail marks, also, make your skin soft like a baby’s so the sun can just sink its killer teeth right into it.

3) Apply some sort of useless, low-level sunscreen. Forgot about that 50 SPF you wear because you want to live a long life! You want to look pretty in that pink and green bikini! The SPF 8 will be great because it will still let you tan/die an early death, but will make sure you have a more even base as opposed to a bright red burn.

4) Don’t tan for more than two hours at a time. You’ll burn.

5) Oh, you’re supposed to flip over ever fifteen minutes. Huh. I guess some people don’t like the whole two-tone effect? I think it’s cool.

6) Shower after tanning (you are sticky and gross) but don’t use soap. Soap will dry out your skin and make you peel. You only rub lotion on yourself now, like you’re that girl in Silence of The Lambs. Her tan was awesome.

You look pretty now. Maybe someone will love you.