Celebs at ITV

If you’re going to dedicate your life to making yourself look like a human Barbie doll, there is apparently a very specific way of doing it. You know that human Barbie doll named Valeria Lukyanova who is sort of a space alien? She’s doing it ALL WRONG, says VERY REAL HUMAN BARBIE Justin Jedlica, who goes by Human Ken. I didn’t know there was a right answer when it came to creative pursuits, but as usual, I know nothing at all.

GQ interviewed Jedlica about his feelings on other, non Jedlica-human Barbie Lukyanova, and he is not a fan.

“I don’t really get her. I don’t get why people think she’s so interesting. She has extensions. She wears stage makeup. She’s an illusionist.”

So she’s a big FAKER, but he’s the real deal because of all of his 140 surgeries.

My baby is my shoulders, because nobody has anything like them. I divided these so there’s six pieces—front, middle, and back. Just like the actual anatomy. I’m working with a silicone-fabrication company to do an artistic muscle-augmentation-implant line. So all the implants I’m paying custom for myself right now, like my shoulders, my quads, my abs, the lats…they’ll hopefully be available to plastic surgeons.

Well, good for Jedlica, the true Plastic King. For background, the two Barbie hopefuls met last year, and Jedlica was far from impressed.

“Valeria presents herself as a real-life Barbie doll, but she is nothing more than an illusion who dresses like a drag queen. Unlike me, who has spent nearly $150,000 permanently transforming myself into a human Ken doll, Valeria just plays dress up. But as soon as you wipe away all that makeup she’s just a plain Jane and there’s absolutely nothing special about her.”

$150,000? Who’s laughing now, world? So okay, this feud is bizarre and stupid, but I suppose it was folly to expect decorum out of people who aim to be not human. Lukyanova, for her part, has also caused a bit of a shit storm recently with some appallingly racist comments. She told GQ that she wasn’t particularly happy with the rise of interracial procreation in the world, because it made us all ugly. Okay.

“Everyone fixes up their face if it’s not ideal, you know? That’s because of the race-mixing. For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this.”

I won’t patronize you with a list of attractive biracial celebrities, or an explanation of this mind boggling treachery. Please. I don’t need to explain this to you, right?

So here’s what we have here: a Human Ken doll who thinks an exceptionally ignorant and racist Human Barbie doll isn’t Barbie enough for him. We have a human Barbie who wants to rid the world of ethnic mixing because it’s making us all unattractive. What a time to be alive.

Photo: WENN