Aren’t most of us night owls? How are we supposed to watch Lena Dunham gush to Jimmy Fallon about the dream she had about him if we don’t stay up past our bedtimes? You just can’t, that’s how! If you “hit the hay” early, then you have to wait until the morning before you’re looped back into the world, and because of that lull in your pop culture intake, you have to stand by the water cooler at 9am without much to offer in regard to these matters, and then your co-workers think you’re boring and no one wants that because then you won’t get invited to Happy Hour!

As a perpetual night owl, as in I’ve been up until 6am already twice this week, I was surprised to read that morning people, that crazy lot who thinks it’s OK to be up and cheery at 6am while I’m about to go to sleep, are fundamentally happier than the late-night crowd. Apparently we’re prone to scowling and overall cranky behavior, but I object! I don’t even know what it’s like to be pissed off or angry with the world! That’s just nonsense! Yes, I’m shouting for dramatic effect!

I had always heard the saying: “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,” but nowhere in there does it say anything about happiness. The study failed to include whether or not these “happy” early birds were enjoying the benefits of morning sex and that’s why they’re so damn giddy. In my mind, that’s the only way to wake up early and really be able to take on the day with the same fervor of someone who scoffs at the idea of coffee as a crutch for facing the morning.

I’d love to give this a try and actually go to bed before midnight and get up all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed by 7am, but I just don’t think it will complement my lifestyle very well. As I said, I’m super duper happy at all times, so there’s no sense in fucking with a good thing. But if you’re a former a night owl who is now a morning person, I’d love to know how that’s working out for you. Honestly, it just sounds like some brand of crazy that I can’t get behind.