Lately, I’ve been finding myself a little stressed out. I want to go get a massage — honestly, every single day I want to go get a massage. But massages are expensive, and so I recently began to wonder if there wasn’t something akin to a massage that I could do to myself.

Not that kind of thing; get your mind out of the gutter.

No, what I came up with was reflexology, the practice of pressing down in specific places on your body to try to make things occur in other parts of your body. Could one do this to oneself? After all, it seems like it’s often done on feet, and I certainly can reach my feet (thanks to several years of yoga; let’s just get real here, I couldn’t do it before).

Before you get all excited, though, I do want you to know that I’m not posting pictures of my feet. I know that you like seeing what we writers look like, and I generally try to accommodate that by posting pictures of myself looking like an asshole with various foodstuffs on my face. But I’m self-conscious about my feet because I haven’t had a pedicure for like, months, and I know that sounds horrifically vain but just believe me when I say that a respectable picture could not be taken.

So. Here’s what I’m going to do instead. This is a picture of the chart that I found:

You can imagine what I did from there, and also, I’ve taken the liberty of finding Google images that loosely reflect what I’m trying to accomplish.

I started with the most obvious problem area; the neck. Even as I type this I’m sitting hunched over on the couch, my shoulders up by my ears, my neck constricted. So I tried massaging the undercarriage of my fourth toe on my right foot. Here’s aforementioned Google image of what could be construed as someone else massaging this area:

It was actually a little painful. I can’t say that my neck felt any better, but it was curious that such a specific spot on my foot felt so strongly affected by a little massage.

Let’s try another one.

The pad of the right foot supposedly coincides with the lung. Will I be able to breathe better if I give it a good rub? Here’s someone else doing it:

This feels awesome, and I think I held my breath for a few minutes there so when I finally breathed it felt like I really sucked in a huge breath. OR, IT WORKED.

Let’s do one more! The left foot has been left out (ha). Let us consult our handy chart and see if there’s a body part we can focus on that coincides to the left foot. Aha! The head. My head always feels a little off. Here is someone else’s left foot:

OK, at this point I think it’s safe to say that I’m having psychosomatic results. As soon as I pushed down on my left big toe, I felt a pressure alleviate from my dome area. I don’t mean to discount the possibility that this is really working, but it seems kind of unlikely, doesn’t it? Doesn’t one have to be really good at this to make it work? Or have some practice? Or be getting it done by someone else?

Or is reflexology just all psychosomatic anyway, and that’s the whole point?

I feel like we have a lot to think about here, ladies. I may or may not try this again.