Yes, I'm not wearing pants, but we all know how things roll in my apartment.

While Wright has been gallivanting around town with her “fembot” looking Essie’s “No Place Like Chrome” nail polish, I’ve been trying to get my hands in shape for a proper manicure. As we all know, I have some wonky ass paws thanks to my cleaning addiction and I’m so sick of telling my manicurist that I “fell off my bike on Houston Street,” to explain the open wounds on my hands that are actually from overuse of Clorox wipes, so I’ve been laying low on the manicure front. I also learned about this place in Soho that does crazy nail art which I must have (like pandas!) thanks to following that Lena Dunham gal on Twitter. I think she’s the voice of her generation or something, or maybe a voice of her generation. (That was a Girls joke for those who haven’t seen the show.)

Since I’ve put the kabosh on outsiders touching my hands for the moment (there goes Mandy’s Handy Standy), but can’t live without polish because it’s also part of my OCD, I tried something I would normally never even consider. Hold on to your pants, my loves! Ready? NAIL STRIPS! Yes!

I was hanging around the Duane Reade looking for a date (as I normally do on Tuesdays at 11am), and while I’m waltzing up and down the aisles looking for Mr. Perfect (read: killing time and wondering why they were out of the good paper towels), I came across these Sally Hansen nail strips that you see in the photo above. Call me a snob (because I am), but I usually stick to Chanel, OPI and Essie when it comes to nail polish. However, there was something about the black script against the white that called out to me — it was also called “Love Letter.” Aww! Who just grew a heart? This guy!

I was unsure what a “nail strip” was and assumed it was a sticker that you just stuck on there… but no. It’s actually polish — a thin film of polish! It reeks like polish and stunk up my apartment as if I were in the nail salon. I felt at home. As usual I didn’t read the directions, because I don’t have the attention span for such things, so the first round was a fuck up much to my disappointment that I’m not all-knowing. But when I actually followed the directions word for word, my nails came out spectacularly.

It was easy and the kit had multiple sizes from which to choose; you know, because we all have different size fingers. And within less than 10 minutes I had the manicure you see above. After they dried, I applied a topcoat to make sure everything stayed put against my Clorox wipes and all the other weird things I do with my hands (gazing at them for hours at a time in tapioca.) I’m four days in and have yet to see a single chip situation. The box guaranteed 10 days, but I don’t believe in guarantees. It may not be a panda manicure, but I can attest that every woman and gay man I’ve seen in the last four days has positively commented on my nails. And isn’t that what life is all about? Assurance from others that we’re great? I kid! (Maybe.)