I remember being 6 years old and smearing on my mom’s lipstick because I wanted to feel grown up. It seemed like a huge thing to me – that there was this whole grown up world of ladies with cosmetics doing lady things like going out on “lunch dates” or “to work.” Around this time I also referred to these actions as adultery, and no one corrected me, forever, they just sort of snickered quietly. Grown-ups are assholes. Anyhow! I couldn’t wait for a time when I could be grown up and sophisticated and assholish just. like. them.

And now that time is here, and this January, I’m going to be able to go to Sephora and buy Hello Kitty make-up. I guess it will go really well with my Disney villain make-up!

Who exactly are these cosmetics targeted towards? Pre-teen girls getting their first make-up set? Was I the only pre-teen girl who staked my entire identity on wearing Chanel red lipstick, as if it were a totem I could cling to desperately to ward off my own awkwardness? I would have rather cleaned out a festering pustule with my teeth than worn Hello Kitty make-up. I mean, when I was in 7th grade. Now I’d probably take some Hello Kitty lip gloss over teeth-pustule cleaning. But that has taken years.

I assume that grown up ladies wouldn’t want this because, you know, somewhat infantilizing. I might be assuming wrong. (I’m assuming wrong, aren’t I? I’m making an ass out of poor Uming, the foreign exchange student).

So, six year olds? Is it targeted at them? Jokes on you Sephora, six year olds are poor.